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Well, four books, as I am just beginning Book Five. But Book Five has a different “voice” and so I believe I can tell you about books 1-4 and not be remiss in my review.

Have you read “Outlander” by Diana Gabaldon? Who hasn’t, right? And how many had to set the second book aside or shield their eyes from the rape scene on Starz network? Historically accurate, entirely fictional, very lusty, and millions of fans. Also includes time travel and is therefore, a sort of science fiction.

Enter Octavia Randolph from Stage Left. She also loves history. But she’s not so much about time travel.

Outlander takes place in the 1700’s and includes history we all learned from sweeping cinematic sagas like “Braveheart” and “The Patriot” (which both happen to star Mel Gibson). There’s a lot of historical inaccuracies in the movies, but let’s face it, American history classes are pretty tepid, dwelling mostly on the Civil War and the Oregon Trail. History, as it is taught now in public schools, is very different from history as it was taught 50 years ago, in my youth. What I know of European history came from a 6th grade class and a one-semester college course, and stuff I have gleaned from National Geographic over the decades.

I know little enough about the settlement of England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland – yet most of my DNA comes from there. When my Christian friends were celebrating the fact they were grafted to Israel, I was longing for my heathen ancestors in what is now known as Great Britain. No, I’m not looking for the pagan gods – my choice was made long ago for One above those – but I still hold a holy curiosity for those pagan rituals, songs, and ways. Who were these people who formed my DNA?

Vikings, Welsh slaves, Picts upon the shores, dark-haired Irish, Scots who built Melrose Abbey? Franks (Germans), Nords, Finns.

Perhaps it is that genetic memory that helped pull me into the tale of Ceridwen, or the fact that we both share a “hard” C where the English wish to make it an “s” sound. Or that I listen to Welsh folk music on occasion.

Nah, none of that. It is the story itself, and the voice of Ceridwen, named after the ancient Welsh goddess herself.

We meet Ceridwen when she is 15. In our world, she would be a child. In her world, she was of marrying age. It is late in the 9th century, and the orphan, Ceridwen, has to make a hard choice: become a nun or marry one of the land holders that the Prior who has raised her has chosen for her. Head strong and independent, Ceridwen has other ideas. She has honor, however, and when she steals away, she pays for everything she takes out of her pagan inheritance.

Ceridwen soon meets her first (and only true) girlfriend upon the road, a maid of 17 who has been given as a pledge of peace to a Danish warrior. Ælfwyn and Ceridwen become the dearest friends and it is their friendship that threads the four stories. They are ever true to each other, with an honesty that runs deeper than the souls of most men.

Indeed, men can be such treacherous creatures in the 9th century (or any century, for that matter – as the term “rape culture” presently exists to explain the dominance men have ever sought over women). (Not ALL men)

Ceridwen’s voice is honest, innocent, thoughtful, observant. Her adventures (and they rival those of Claire, in Outlander, at times) are not to be envied. Her deep loves are true. Her fate is woven by the goddess Freyja, twin to Freyr. Her heathen faith runs opposites with the conquest of Rome, but she ever treats Christians as her own brothers and sisters (and, indeed, her beloved Ælfwyn is a devout Christian). Ceridwen is honest about her faith: she realizes early on that she was never truly converted, but was merely raised by a prior who never saw fit to truly convert her.

I don’t want to do any spoilers. Ceridwen’s voice is forthright and honest, sometimes a bit innocent. Her growing relationship with the Dane, Sidroc, is sometimes punctuated with a humor that you maybe have to be married to see building (they fight, verbally, a lot). Ceridwen never sees people’s handicaps, but loves them as they are. Yet, she commits sins that haunt her for her lifetime, and very nearly destroy her in book 4.

Randolph’s devotion to ancient history shines through in the descriptions of trade, the use of antiquated names, the sea trade, the settling of England by Danes (vikings), and the peace treaties made therein. Anyone who thinks the Americas were settled unfairly needs to read this series or to study ancient British history to understand that what happened to America was only an extension of how Europe was settled and expanded upon. I think, perhaps, upon the European lands, men honored treaties a while longer than they did in the western expansion of the Americas. But I am very much a novice at these things.

The ancient gods actually take on a life of their own, and the celebrations and sacrifices to them bear some poignant reminder of how men had begun to revere the Fates that kept them safe from harm. While I have my own thoughts on these things, they are thoughts that come from the God that one of the later characters devoutly worshiped; Jhesu Christu. I would hope that Randolph will later develop the character of Sparrow, the flesh-slave girl freed by Ceridwen from that cruel industry (which happens to exist even in out day of “enlightenment”).

Ceridwen doesn’t time travel. She knows no future time of penicillin and modern medicine, as does Claire in Outlander. Ceridwen cleans wounds and sews them up with great reluctance and a weak stomach. She is honest about this. But both women share this in common: they are not about to be intimidated nor ruled. They are independent women, with words as sharp as tacks. Men either love or hate them.

And those men that hate them would force them into submission by force.

God must hate such men.

It was Sunday and we sat, sweltering, under the canopy in our yard. My dearest love asked me if I’d like to go out for dinner. It would be an early anniversary celebration. But the thought of actually having to dress decently to be out in public didn’t sound too enticing, so I turned him down. Maybe next weekend, when it’s not so hot and fewer people are seeking refuge from the heat inside of a restaurant, I told him.

Then I turned to him and said, “I didn’t even buy you a card.”

“We’re even, because I didn’t buy you one, either.” Pause. “And we were in the card section at the store today.”

“Yes,” said I, “We could have just opened anniversary cards and shown them to each other, and then put them back on the shelf.”

“How romantic! ‘Sorry it isn’t signed, dear, but someone may want to buy this card now.'” We laughed.

Today was/is the Big Day. Thirty-six years of (almost) wedded bliss.

Here is what wedded bliss looks like after 36 years: I got home from work and he seemed slightly subdued.

“You didn’t read my Facebook post?”

“Um, no – I was at work. And you never post on Facebook. Why?”

“Oh. Well. Um. The toilet seat broke.”

I sighed. I’d have to change into something suitable for a trip to Home Depot rather than a simple sundress to lounge in.

“I thought we could go out to dinner since we’re already going to be out,” he added.

I think I realized then that he was wearing his dressy casual clothes. I decided to leave my work clothes on, and off we went: first to Home Depot, and then on to Olive Garden.

We found toilet seats with the help of a Home Depot salesman who asked the important questions: “Do you want plastic or wood?”

I scanned the array before us and muttered, “He probably didn’t write the color down: ecru, egg shell, bone, or…?”

We chose white and wood. On our way to the car, I told him, “Those Americans! They have too many choices in toilet seats!”

Dinner was a quiet affair with a cheery wait person who got a nice tip. She even bagged my left overs for me.

On the way back to the car, I leaned in toward Don and said, “That was nice and romantic. Want to stop at the grocery store and read anniversary cards to each other?”

001Happy Anniversary to us!

The original Facebook post from my husband: “An event occurred this morning when I was taken care of morning business when all of sudden I felt the toilet seat drop. Was this the “Big One” the media has been warning us about. No, just a TSF (toilet seat fail) for it cracked in half, or an engineered obsolescence built in to keep those toilet seat manufacturers churning out more items for your backside. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like having to go to Home Depot and look for a new toilet seat on your way to a restaurant to celebrate 36 years of marriage. Cheers!”

Preface: we’re at the tail end of a short heat wave. A heat wave in Portland consists of two to four days of degrees over 85 and over-zealous weather reporters trying to find the hottest spot in town. As a native Nevadan, it’s almost laughable. But I concede: two days of almost triple-digits makes my loft/studio unbearable, even with exhaust fans. The rarity of the occasion precludes owning or installing an air conditioner despite what most native Portlanders believe.

I tell you this because we spent the two hottest days sitting in the yard with two of those nifty yard misters that came out last year. It was cooler in the closed-up house, but I crave the sunshine (and consequently evened up the tan on my legs).

Flash forward to today. I work in an office that has a ridiculous pre-set air conditioner that runs too cold for common sense. It’s a relic of the Portland mindset that all heat is bad heat and we can’t allow a room to get above 68 degrees (F) any time of the year. I wear a sweater 365 days out of the year to appease the electric gods who desire to micromanage our climate indoors. I wore a sweater today whilst the outdoors rose to almost the same temps as over the weekend outside, but with a cooling breeze.

Ridiculous, I tell you. I hate A/C. It’s highly overrated and over-used.

TO THE POINT.

I was working on my computer when I first noticed a mist in the air, not unlike the mist I’d been seeing all weekend – except this mist wasn’t real and it wasn’t there when I lifted my eyes to look. I saw it from different angles. Sometimes, it appeared and disappeared in my peripheral vision. Sometimes, I turned and saw it, blinked, and it was gone. This happened three or four times, and sometimes when there were other people in the room with me. There was no fear associated with the phenomenon.

I knew it for something paranormal. But that logical part of my brain suggested I google it first… Oh.My.

There’s always been something “off” about the office. It’s built where a field and an old farm house used to sit (I knew a woman who rented the farmhouse for awhile). Sometimes, things have been moved just a little. I’m a tad bit OCD, and I notice when things aren’t quite right.

A month ago, I was on my way to the office kitchen when I heard a crash in the foyer. I returned to find the large faux painting there had fallen. Closer inspection told me that someone had to have grabbed both sides of the artwork and yanked down, hard, to pull the wire out of the frame as it did. the wire was still dangling from the hook on the wall. The painting was not heavy, being a fake and all.

And now: the mist-thing.

I’m not afraid to work in the office, even after dark. There are no “heebie-jeebies” to the place, no more than in my own 1930’s home. Whatever drifts there and “haunts” there is benign. I refuse to believe it is not “real”. It’s real. It’s there. It may just be memory of the past, an energy that got lost in time. It may be a spirit stuck between here and there, searching for the way home (but more likely, the energy of that spirit). It’s not an entity.

But it is definitely something of what you would find if you googled “I keep seeing mist <insert white>”.

I work in a haunted office.

If you follow my blog, you may remember that I recently sorted all our books and redid all of our bookcases.

Then I went to Nevada and retrieved my inheritance.

020 018 017 016 015 014 013 011

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aiyiyi… I still have three boxes unpacked! I have: Reader’s Digest “classic” books, paperback mysteries, childhood Scholastic books, history books, a vintage animal encyclopedia set, vintage field guides, and just plain vintage books. Lots and lots of vintage books.

005Brenda Starr, Girl Reporter; the Curly Tops; Emerson; Shakespeare; the Bobbsey Twins; childhood nursery rhymes; vintage Forestry books (and that’s just what I have unpacked).

008If you’ve never read the Billy Whiskers series, you are sorely missing out. Billy pulled a cart and got into all kinds of mischief. (These books are *not* in good shape, sadly.)

021PIPPI! Books illustrated by Sam Savitt! ALL of my favorite Scholastic prizes!

Did I mention I still have three more boxes to unpack, all bankers box size? There’s no way that I will get to these any time soon as summer is nearly upon us and the heat index is rising for this weekend (too hot to be working in the loft – I will be doing something outside in the shade)!

BOOKS! All that READING. Classics! The House of Seven Gables. Poetry. Cheap mysteries! Tom Clancy. BOOKS!!

Um, can you tell that I’m a bit of a bibliophile? I hoard books. I can’t part with books. There are books in there about the exploration of the Great Basin.

First, however, I need to finish The Circle of Ceridwen, books 1-3, by Octavia Randolph…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS JUST HAPPENED

I found this cocoon last fall. I set it aside with the strawberries in the planter.

006My husband moved it to a glass jar with a wire cover this past May. We both believed it to be the cocoon of a praying mantis. We were so wrong. Don just called me down to witness the transformation of cocoon to creature.

003 001Neither picture shows the glory of the creature that emerged from that cocoon…

011

The polyphemus moth.

OMG. Wing span over four inches. Incredible cinnamon color with eye spots. Lethargic from just having hatched. Seriously beautiful and incredible.

As you can see, we turned it loose. But what an incredible guest it was! Godspeed little moth. Godspeed.

I found Nevada to be a comforting place last week. So many of my trips south have been for funerals or to close up the Estate, and my apprehension over this trip was deeply rooted in that experience. I sat in my window seat on the HorizonAir (Alaska), trying to concentrate on the book I am reading. I finally gave up and just stared out the window at the clouds and the glimpses of earth below as we followed the line of Cascade Mountains south. Finally, Pyramid Lake loomed into view, and I caught a good view of the island. We prepared for landing and my heart began to race.

Nevada will always be home. Other people travel there to gamble and wonder at me when I tell them that I have never even pulled the arm of a slot machine. I’ve put $5 into video poker, but that’s as much as I can allow myself to gamble: gambling is for tourists. Natives walk past all the glitz and glamour and don’t bat an eye.

My cousin and her husband met us (my brother and I) at a casino for dinner the first night. We left together, passing the women reliving Farrah Fawcett’s heyday and the cocktail waitresses in their skimpy uniforms, and my cousin asked, “Do you miss it?”

“Miss what?” I replied. “The ’80’s hair-dos, the carpets that make you want to puke, or the girls who have to shave in order to work? And I don’t mean their arm-pits..” We laughed, because – no, I do not miss that.

I miss the vast expanse of sage brush, blue mountains, snow-caps, unpredictable weather, ice cream cones in Austin, major deer in Eureka, and alkali flats. I miss The Loneliest Highway (U.S. 50), the shoe tree, and the brown hills that outsiders call “mountains” but we call “hills”.

I returned with my take of the family heirlooms and furniture.

001The Fairy Soap box (bottom), and the Star Thread box (top) are the only furniture I claimed. I claimed the three chime clocks, one of which is the Lion clock.

003 (2)The Fairy box is full of 1960’s Country/Western cassettes that need to be converted to CD. The thread box is full of Lions’ Club pins and honors.

017Five drawers of this. And I have a box-plus of more Lions’ Club pins. I do not really want the pins, except those that have my father’s name engraved on them. I know he was proud of his service in the Lions’ Club, but they mean very little to me. I will probably post them on eBay eventually.

002This, however, means the world to me. It is “the Lion Clock”. The lion atop it is an award given to my father from the Lions’ Club in 1975 and has little to do with the clock, itself. There are two bronze lion heads on either side of the clock and from those lions it has derived it’s name. It needs some work.

I happen to have a dear friend who works in clocks and I will soon be approaching him about the repair needed to the three chime clocks I dragged home. I haven’t even unpacked one of them. And of them, the Lion clock is the dearest to my heart.

On a side note, the first night my husband spent in my parents’ house, he was awakened every hour, on the hour, by the various chimes. I slept through them all, having grown acclimatized to their chimes at an early age. I long to hear that chorus again.

Last week, I set out on a journey of closure. I traveled with my brother (and only remaining immediate family member) to Ely, Nevada, to watch my sister’s youngest graduate from high school (her mother died in 2000). I’ll post on that in the near future. The trip also included a visit to the WW1 Memorial in Eugene, OR, to look for my great uncle’s name so I could draw to an end the story of Dale D. Melrose (another future blog post). And for a more complete closure of the loss of my parents and my baby sister, my brother and I loaded up all the stuff I left in Reno five years ago and hauled it north to my home.

Today, I unloaded the three Dow Chemical crates full of the stuff my mother used to switch out in the china hutch. The crates are round, stand about 23″ tall, and have a radius of 15″. 001The contents of crate #1, packed in 1970 when we moved from Winnemucca to Ely.

002Crate #2, also packed in 1970.

008Crate #3, packed in 1973.

I am missing the box with the items that were inside the china hutch when Dad died. I may yet find it in the boxes I brought home, and I hope I do – Chrystal’s things were in that box.

It’s a lot of stuff, and the wonder of it all, is that I actually have room for most of it in my own storage places. Some of it, I may let go – but that is a bridge I do not have to cross today.

012Pewter, silver, and tin.

013I see myself researching this dish in the future. It’s some kind of serving dish, very ornate, with the pedestal welded on.

014This is very cool!

015A memento of travels (my lens cap is also in my hand).

0211933 Chicago World’s Fair memento.

016Hmmmm.

017Love this vintage green crystal dish!

019The swans are beads upon beads set into a styrofoam base. Beautiful!

023Ceramic mantel clock.

025Holy cow! A lead crystal dinner set for six. The leaf dishes don’t actually match the set, but are a newer pressed crystal. But the rest?? Oh, yeah. Beautiful and precious!

028My mother’s entire collection of dogs.

032Mom’s collection of tea cups. Sadly, some are chipped or cracked.

037Mom’s salt and pepper shaker collection.

030This one made me nostalgic. The kitten on the left is mine and I named her Diamond. My grandparents Melrose brought them to my sister and I, and I had first choice. Deni felt I took the cutest one and deliberately broke Diamond. Mom carefully glued her back together. Now I have both, but Deni’s kitten is missing her rhinestone eyes.

033A china baby doll. She’s so tiny!

034Milk china. I’m not really into milk china, so am debating keeping all of these.

036Self explanatory whimsical creatures. Mom bought these in Mexico.

038Centennial ash tray.

039My grandmother liked to go to a ceramics place and glaze her own items. The wood ducks were one of her creations (the glaze, I mean, not the actual mold). They were wrapped in a 1970 newspaper which means they were packed away then and never retrieved for display afterward. Grandma signed them on the bottom (EM = Emma Melrose). I’ve always loved the wood ducks.

040Tell me that isn’t the cutest darn giraffe!??

042Awwww… Bunnies for my Easter decor!

046This luster ware is amazing. I have my mother’s set of luster ware set aside for my oldest, and will add this to the set.

049And then there was this.

I earned that in Sunday School in the 1960’s. I carried it around with me well into the 1980’s, when I decided my little sister needed it more than I did, and I mailed it to her. I have often missed it, but considered it a gift well given. And now it is home.

009The frog was not inside the Dow Chemical crates. He was carefully wrapped inside his own box. Years ago, my father told me that he was going to be reincarnated as that frog. Dad left that frog to me. I’m happy to have Dad home with me, finally.

Postscript – I did not photograph every single item out of the Dow crates. And wait until I get to the books…

I had the privilege of corresponding with a second grade boy this past school year. It was part of a school project, and I didn’t expect to receive anything out of it beyond the occasional letter, and maybe hope for it to continue on long after the school year. My final letter from the school project arrived earlier this week, this time in a large manila envelope. There was a book inside the envelope.

002When My Grandma was Young

By Zephania (sic)

003When my grandma was young she played with her cousins. And she put black olives on her fingers and ate them.

004She had a cat named Jacob and a dog named Butchy.

005She also liked art and liked to play outside.

006When my grandma was young she pretended to be horses and played army with her brother.

007When my grandma was young she was an angel in every church play every year.

008When my grandma was young she was shy and had a first grade teacher named Mrs. Jolly.

009She cleaned the house every night for her mom.

010Her birthday is on November 2nd.

011She had a T.V. that was black and white.

012Her house was pink when she was little. It had a vegetable garden and a strawberry patch.

013She caught bugs in jars.

014She came to see me in Alaska and I went to see her in Oregon. Now my Grandma likes her garden. THE END

(Love how there are oranges and bananas in the garden)

Now, because I know Zephaniah’s parents are good parents, that is as much of my blog as they will show him. But there’s a little “truth in reporting” disclaimer here.

olivesI believe I taught all of my grandkids (who have ever eaten Thanksgiving dinner with me) this unique talent:

how to eat black olives properly.

cousinsI love how big my cousin’s nose is. I haven’t decided which cousin that is, but it’s most likely Janis, as we are closest in age and Teressa isn’t on Facebook for me to Tag). So, Janis it is.

jacobI should have mentioned that Jake was black and white.

butchyButch was black and white, too.

I love his teeth.

terryWhat my brother will do with this, I don’t know. I’m not going there. I just want to say my Howitzer is…

Shoot. I can’t do this.

Sorry, Z.

Some day, you will understand, Z.

cleaningI was Cinderella. I vacuumed and dusted and cleaned the house every night for my mother.

She just rolled over in her grave.

eightAwwww… 8 years old is how old Z is. I get to be 8 in his book.

tvThis is a black and white TV in the mind of a child who has never watched anything in black and white.

Yup. That was my childhood TV.

pink houseNot a bad rendition of the very large, concrete, and PINK house that I grew up in.

And almost as scary.

It was haunted.

It stood out.

bug1 bug2Bug One and Bug Two. I think Bug Two is a spider.

This is highly accurate, except that I used a Kill Jar with carbon tetrachloride that we bought over the counter at the local pharmacy/soda bar. We’d have a cream soda at the same time. I’ll let you look Carbon Tet up. Trust me when I say that you cannot purchase it over the counter nowadays. But neither can you chase the DDT sprayer down the street so you’d be mosquito-proof for a few days (or until Mom made you bathe), and we used to do that, too.

mapIf you look carefully at the map, Z penciled in the route to Alaska from here, by car.

That’s pretty freaking awesome.

Thank you, Zephaniah, for preserving my history.

I will need this when they put me into a nursing home and I want to remember my childhood.

I love you to Infinity and Beyond!

001I lost my temper today. I haven’t lost my temper in ages. It felt so odd, to be angry. So out of the blue. The situation was justified: I confronted a jack-ass who thought he could just park his semi truck across all four of the parking spaces in front of my office while he ran into the fast-food place across the parking lot to eat. He didn’t even apologize, but he did move it.

Then I snapped at an innocent broker before I’d calmed down from the confrontation.

What is wrong with me? This is the old me. The me when I was when buried under stress. The me before antidepressants.

I decided perhaps I had not been meditating and praying enough (you know, we all fall out of habit, and we all blame guilt for our actions). I reasoned that I would come home tonight and plant all the flowers I bought since the weather is cool and will remain cool for the next 10 days, at least. Gardening always relaxes me. Gardening is wonderful therapy.

Except… it wasn’t. I snapped at both of the dogs, for being dogs. I almost snapped at my husband. I just felt so… so… angry.

Gardening may be therapy, but it is muddy, dirty, work, and by the time I climbed into the shower, I was wondering how high my blood pressure was. And then I cried. Big sobs. Real tears.

I don’t cry. Antidepressants dull that reaction, and I don’t like to cry. But I couldn’t stop it, and I didn’t want to – because, suddenly, I understood.

I am getting on an airplane Saturday to fly to Reno. From Reno, I will make my way to Ely. 21 years of grief just washed over me – everything I lost that lived in that little, dusty, town. My mother. My sister. My father.

The trip this time is a trip to celebrate a milestone, but that milestone is, in itself, a contributor to the circle of grieving. My sister’s youngest child is graduating from high school and turning 18. She was almost 3 when her mother died, and has no recollection of her mother. None. She barely remembers my father, her grandfather.

I am dreading this trip, but I don’t want my niece to feel that it is because of her – it isn’t. She is outside of the equation and is the reason I want to go. I want to be there for her, and for my sister. She’s blood. She’s family. And I will be there to see her receive her high school diploma.

But – God. Why can’t my sister be there? I would have taken this girl on, if I could have, but she had a birth father somewhere and her stepfather was extremely leery of me after I took Chrystal on (we sort of kidnapped her when she was 10).* My father, while he was living, feared the birth father would try something. Moreover, we did not want to alert Child Services to the status of any of my sister’s children, throwing them into foster families. So, my niece stayed with her step-dad and his new wife.

That’s her story to tell, and she did tell me. She’s a smart girl. She’s got her mother’s moxie. She’s in a good place right now.

Going back to me and the lashing out.

I counseled a young woman in my office the other day. She recently lost her father, suddenly, and it has thrown her for a loop. I advised her that it never ends. You just learn to work around it. You won’t know what triggers it. Suddenly, you’ll be standing in the middle of a grocery store, crying. You’ll smell something. You’ll have a mood change and then you’ll look at the calendar and realize what your spiritual body already knew: it’s the week of an anniversary.

I’m going back to Ely, and it is the fifth anniversary of the week we held my father’s memorial service. My sister’s 57th birthday was Sunday. I’m watching my orphaned niece graduate from high school and turn 18. I’m loading up a truck and bringing the rest of my inheritance home, specifically the furniture items. Visual items.

And I’m lashing out in anger, but it’s the grief that is talking. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m more likely to write out what is going on inside of me than talking about it – or than most people will confess to feeling. I’m writing this, not to hash out my sorrow and grief, and to play “poor pitiful me”, but to tell you – the reader of this blog post – that it is OK. It’s natural. It’s grief. It’s a circle that will never be broken as long as you live and feel deeply.

Wish my mom was here tonight so I could talk to her about this over a bottle of cheap red wine. We used to change the world with a couple glasses of wine. God, I miss her so very much. 21 years.

21 years of dreading a trip to Ely.

*I need to clarify this. Chrystal was the only one of my sister’s children that was a true orphan, in that her birth father was dead also. Originally, we left her with her step father, with her sister, because my father didn’t want to break up the family. I think he was reeling from the fact that my sister’s son’s father came and picked him up from the reception following the funeral without any notice. It was his right: his son. But it was very clear within a few months that Chrystal was miserable. She was going on 10. So my dad arranged a vacation trip for her to come to visit me, and for me to go to a lawyer and get custody of her. Meanwhile, Chrystal determined that if she was coming to visit me, she would request that she stay with us. So, somehow, she both ran way and we kidnapped her. It was a mutual agreement between us and a ten year old girl who decided the first day that she would call us “Mom” and “Dad”.

PS – I know good people who work in Child Services. But there have always been the horror stories, and we were determined that none of my sister’s children should end up in that system. They’ve suffered their own trail of grief, but none of it has been at the hands of the State. Whether you agree with that or not is irrelevant to me. I’ll suffer none of my family to go into that system so long as I have breath.

I used to commute miles and miles along freeways and interchanges. These days, I drive three miles to work. My commute takes me through one school zone (Middle School) and past several bus stops. I might have to stop a couple times for middle school kids to cross the street or for a bus picking up kids. I might not have to. It all depends on when I hit the road – and when the kids are out waiting or walking.

There’s a large group of middle school kids who come out of an apartment complex in the midst of the school zone I drive through. I usually see them between the crosswalks in the middle of the school zone or at the red light. They come in all shapes: the big boy who probably towers over his classmates and outweighs them. The cute girls with bouncy pony tails and no jackets. The generic boys who hang together or with the bouncy pony tails. And the little girl with big glasses, pigeon toes, and an awkward gait. She’s nearly always alone.

She trails the gang. Sometimes, she walks side-by-side with a little girl with dark hair and skin. But most of the time, she’s alone. And always smiling.

She seems to be lost in a world of her own. Her peers pass her by without a word that I can see. I see no bullying or teasing actions. I see no interaction between this little girl and any of the other kids, except for the times I see her with the other little girl, and that is very rarely.

My heart is drawn to this little girl. I see myself in her. I see her as a very unique flower in an unforgiving world. She’s always smiling and moving to the beat of a silent drummer, all her own.

I’m not sure she’s “all there”. I can tell she’s not from a family of privilege. But she’s independent, she has an inner sense of joy, and she’s completely unaware of the world around her: the passing cars, the gaggle of boys and girls who must be her classmates, and even the weather. She has short, mousy brown hair and a plain face. Thick glasses and a smile.

I figure her for 6th grade. She could be in 7th grade. She’s in middle school, which is the worst melting pot of the American socialization experiment. She’s no doubt the butt of some kid’s joke, or some clique’s teasing. But she’s also someone’s beloved daughter. Someone taught her to smile. Someone gave her the confidence to walk to school, alone, in the middle of the gaggle of her classmates who are visibly popular and attractive. She’s shorter than most of her classmates (some boys excepted, but they will get a growth spurt soon). She’s almost homely.

But she smiles.

Walking alone, mindless of everyone around her, smiling. Smiling. SMILING.

Don’t you wish you had some of that inner peace right now? I do. I’m nearly 60 years of age and I don’t walk through life smiling. I’m finally comfortable in my own skin and I don’t give a f— who is popular, cute, or “in”. (Oh, yeah – I left my last job because I couldn’t stand “Barbie” the HR person. Get real, sweetheart!) Fake is out. Real is in.

And that is why I love this little girl. Anyone can be fake. I can do fake, if I need to. But real? Real AND awkward?  And smile? I’m almost 60 and I’m just settling into this. She’s in middle school.

My heart goes out to her. I hope she really is as happy as her visage makes me imagine she is. I hope her family life is stable and loving. I hope – and pray – she’s that ugly duckling that will grow to be a beautiful swan. One with confidence born of self-love. I pray life is kind to her at just the right moments. Life won’t always be kind, but if it is kind at the right moments, anything can happen inside of a heart.

Childhood was unkind to me. I survived because of my parents and a couple best friends. That’s what I wish for this little girl who walks to school, alone, in the middle of a crowd. Loving parents and at least one good friend. Because she’s beautiful.

And I look for her every day. I need to see her walking to school. She will never know that some old woman cared for her, but that’s how it is supposed to be. And now – maybe – some other people on the Intranet will care for a little girl they can’t even see. Because she’s beautiful.