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You can see the floor in my studio.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, when I am stressing I clean. I clean to avoid the object of my stress. I clean because it gives me control over something when I feel something else is beyond my control. I clean because I can think better when my work space is less cluttered.

I was stressing over my art website, which has been giving me fits all week. Rather than sit at the computer and face it, I sorted beads. I organized the locker. I moved all the latex house paint cans into the red Snap-On tool box. I purged my acrylic craft paint, and I sorted my projects. I even tackled the paperwork sitting on my desk top (you know, the stuff that needs filing). I cleaned and organized the closet in the Master Bedroom (you don’t want to know how bad that was).

Half-way through this purging of the soul process, I decided I needed to try one more time. Call one more tech person. And this time, I asked the right questions. The tech person at GoDaddy had me back in my website and uploading photos within five minutes. He merely disabled a plug-in that had a glitch, and there I was! Back in business.

I have a clean closet in the Master Bedroom, a neatly re-organized studio, and a greater appreciation for just asking for help. I also have a better understanding about web-hosting and what I am paying for, something I should have learned back when I first purchased the domain name and started paying for a self-hosted website (many thanks to my friend, Mary Ann, for helping with the terminology). I also learned about keeping receipts for websites, paying closer attention to the dashboard, plug-ins, and maybe watching some videos on “how to” do things on a website.

Now, about those projects that I sorted through and need to finish…

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Live Life, Face Fear

There is a shift in the universe. I walk my usual trail around the parking lot where I work, but my mind does not settle. I stand in the office and watch cold rain fall and puddles form in the parking lot, and I wonder why I am here. Why am I here? Why don’t I feel the love for this job that I used to have? Why do I feel cut off?

I turn to prayer for answers, and feel nothing. That’s OK, I tell myself: you don’t always get to feel something, faith is not a feeling, but a way of looking at things when you cannot see the answers. There is still a shift in the universe.

Desperate for answers that do not seem to be forthcoming from the Great Beyond, I search for answers on Amazon Prime, in the Kindle store. Cheap answers: I don’t want to spend a lot of money on self-help books I’ll likely get bored with and delete. I settle on two.

Becoming Me: Embracing God’s Dream of You by Staci Eldridge. Intriguing title: “God’s dream of…” Does God dream of me? By chapter three, I was wishing I had purchased the paperback version so I could highlight and write in the margins. I’m a little over half-way through, and I still have to sit it down and chew on the information. It’s deep. It’s challenging.

It’s about girlfriends. I’m a terrible girlfriend. The introvert of introverts. I don’t talk on the phone. I barely text or IM. I hardly ever call someone to hang out with – they call me. I wasn’t always this way, but I haven’t felt fully comfortable with girlfriends since we moved into this house and I started to get my heart broken by friends. I have some baggage to deal with.

But that’s not even all of it. I also bought (for cheap) a book on finances. Worthy – Boost Your Self Esteem to Grow Your net Worth by Nancy Levin. Until I opened this book, I would have told you that I have a healthy self esteem. And I do – in every area except finances. And, apparently, girlfriends.

I gave up answering the questions at the end of each chapter. I’m just reading through the book right now, then I will go back and read it slowly, and deal with the elusive questions about how I feel, think, and understand money. It’s about facing my fears and getting rid of my excuses. It hurts. It’s honest. It’s overwhelming.

These books came into my possession as I stand on the brink of a new chapter in my life: launching myself an an entrepreneur and an independent artist. Before I purchased them, I wondered: Am I self-sabotaging? What am I doing to hinder my own dreams?

Turns out: Yes, and plenty. I’m full of excuses. I’m old, I hurt, I’m tired, I have a Day Job, I don’t have the money… I have a lot of fears to face down.

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I have dragons to slay. Fears and excuses are dragons.

I don’t understand websites, coding, and why my art blog went down suddenly. I need to educate myself so I know the questions to ask and where to go for help. I’ve never bothered to do that. (My son-in-law, Sam, once told me, “You don’t read the manual.” He was right. I don’t. I try to do things on my own and when I run into a brick wall, then I start looking for the manual that I misplaced.)

It’s not that hard: a ten minute video on coding or websites or wordpress. Free tutorials everywhere, just search. TAKE THE TIME.

I didn’t pay for support on WordPress. I kept thinking I should do that, but… excuses. Now, I know why I needed to pay for support. Had I paid for support, help was just a phone call away. (No worries – mistakes like that can be easily fixed by paying for support NOW.) I didn’t understand the difference between my web host and the site where my site is located. My friend, Mary Ann, pointed that out to me and I felt like bashing my head against the desk: So Stupid. No, I’m not. I just didn’t think. Thankfully, my web host was gracious and helped me find the error in my site: it’s malware in the WordPress end of the site, and it doesn’t affect my personal blog (this).

My website is only an example. It is hardly the only place I have limited myself – or taught my children to limit themselves. But – no guilt. Guilt has to be dispensed of as much as fear has to be.

I have a litany of things I can’t do: jog, for instance. I’m an awkward runner. People – my brother – made fun of me when I was a teenager and trying to run. I run “like a girl”. But I have spent decades watching other people jog and it’s not that hard to imitate. I’m no more awkward than some of the people I have observed. I can jog, and I can learn how to jog. I have no marathon goals, but I can learn how to jog, for my sake and for my dog’s sake. Age has nothing to do with this. (I jogged three laps around the office tonight, just to prove that point to myself!)

So what is limiting you? What views about finances are holding you back? What dreams do you want to achieve that you are afraid to pursue? I’m sixty. I’m going to change my life. No excuses.

What excuses can you slay?

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ARGHHHHHH. Between GoDaddy and WordPress.org changes, I have been effectively locked out of my Two Crow Feather Woman Site (I can write posts, but not upload photos, and I am unable to change security settings). It’s infuriating because this is my Retirement Plan Site (aka: I sell art work). I just sold a nice commission to a very happy customer, and I want to post that on my website, but… The Happiness Engineers at Word Press take 24-48 hours to respond.

I’m pretty certain that GoDaddy deleted files they suspected were malware and that affects my site. GoDaddy is great to buy your Domain names, but I’m firing them as web host support and hiring someone else (TBA).  (Thank you, Mary Ann.)

I sometimes hate technology in that I am just not that tech savvy, I don’t know code, and I want someone else to help me. My son, the Geek, refuses. Of, so does my youngest, the Second Geek. Because, you know, I might pester them to death with techie questions I want answered for FREE.

Can’t say I blame them.

I work an 8-hour day at a “Pays the bills” job, so can’t sit on hold for hours with a tech company, trying to sort out the alternative employment plan. Right now, I’d love to be free of “work for wages” so I can work on the web site of “works for passion and money”. I’m often too tired at the end of a workday to deal with these frustrations.

Gripe Gripe Gripe. Whine Whine Whine. Bangs head on desk. I’d rather talk to the IRS about taxes than deal with this.

Which reminds me: I need a tax advisor for a small business for this year. I’d rather grow wings and fly away to some fey garden.

I absolutely hate being tied to the facts of death and taxes; I’d rather be off chasing faeries and mysterious things. I suppose it’s the anchor to my kite string: death, taxes. and IT issues. Especially IT issues.

Hopefully, I get my art website back up and functioning soon. Meanwhile, I will try to concentrate on gardens and ancestry.

Oh, ancestry. My dad left me a note inside a book of lyric poetry I decided to take to work today to read. How did he know I would open that book and read his note?  His timing kills me. I cried.

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The intro is about the Aryan migration(!!) also known as Manifest Destiny, and something I really cannot condone – except it happened. The lyric poetry of the story (think Henry Wadsworth Longfellow) is beautiful. Skip the intro and the story told is lyric, if not un-politically correct. But neither is Hiawatha nor Evangeline.

Not sure how I ended here, except I can’t post to my art site. Yet.

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My morning break at work this morning included a walk around the strip mall where I work. It’s a pleasant walk: a lot of privacy, greenery, even a duck pond when I want to go that way. Rain threatened, and some drops fell, but it was warm. Pleasant.

I picked up a cherry blossom that had been blown off one of the many trees making up the landscaping. Delicate. Pink, red veined, and multi-layered, the stamens yellow, and the weight of it insignificant. A blossom. So fragile, so temporary, so beautiful. So intricate in design.

It is, at moment like this, when I think that lack of faith in a Greater Being takes more faith than I have. The tiniest of creations: the mite upon the mite that lives in my eyelashes, for instance. The delicate beauty of a blossom that will only be open a few days, but is so delicately arranged and created. An apple blossom that only needs a bee to complete the pollination, and there will be an apple in the late summer. God seems closer when viewed from the minute. God seems larger, and yet – less large – when one considers the design of life.

I dropped the blossom under a flowering tree, and as it fell, I felt my father’s hand brush mine. Or my mother’s. Or both. Papery thin, warm. I felt my sister’s skin under my touch as I braided her hair one last time. Tactile memories of people who have passed from this dimension to another. I felt their presence beside me. Fleeting memory.

How do you go back to work after such a spiritual phenomenon? It is hard to concentrate. Hard to think in the logical planes of every day existence. Spiritual things are not logical. Logic is a man-made concept of filing and order (I raise my hand: I am guilty!). Then spiritual happens, and you’re left standing on the side of the road, wondering how you could possibly have felt your father touch you, and he’s been gone for nearly six years?

Think of friends in life and death struggles: if God could create this blossom, could God not heal a four-year-old child held captive in his own mind by a disease? I said a prayer for Xander. He’s a four year old boy trapped, the grandson of a dear friend, and the victim of a debilitating disease that has left him trapped in his own mind. I have my own grandchildren and can only imagine.

Still – that cherry blossom. So delicate. So intricate. So fragile. So fleeting. I can’t believe it was created by chaos, by a random explosion in space a bazillion years ago. How did that create life? How did that create cherry blossoms? Or four year olds? Or give me that passing moment “between” when my parents touched my hand as I dropped the blossom back to the earth?

I have no concrete answers and you can comment or argue until the sun sets and rises again. I just think it takes more faith to not believe in something than it takes to believe. Take the fleeting flower blossom…

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Easter weekend. Resurrection Day. Churchless, but not faithless. No rain, warm(er) temperatures. The garden beckons.

Not the garden in which He sweat blood as He tried to convince Himself He could walk the Via Dolorosa for people He didn’t even know – for people who would, in the next 48 hours, spit on him, deny him, and even hammer nails into his hands and feet.

My garden is a much more pleasant place. It is a place of hard labor, aching back, bruises, and puncture wounds brought on by the Hawthorne or the black-cap raspberries, but still a pleasant place. A place of contemplation, of worship, of prayer.

A place to spend a pleasant Easter weekend on my knees. It is a place of death, resurrection, and change. A place to cull the unwanted plants (not always weeds, but sometimes, something I thought I’d like and, later, rued). A place of destruction in the winter, and beauty in the growing season.

There’s something immensely satisfying when I get both rain barrels set up, and the floor beneath the rhododendrons cleared of old leaves, the ferns trimmed back, and I can see the hostas and lilies poking their brave green stalks heaven-ward.

I removed the privacy screen when the crazy renters moved out. The new renter has small children, but I love to listen to children boss each other around. It’s a far cry from listening to the former renters swear and fight and talk baby-talk to the pet tortoise. (Photo on the left is from last summer, before new neighbor and plastic backyard toys. I also took down that trellis. The honeysuckle refuses to grow over the trellis, and insists on growing over the shed.

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I will let Nature prevail, and the honeysuckle can grow the way it wants to. The mason bees (their home is hidden by the honeysuckle) buzzed me as I worked. My amaryllis are ready to bloom – I put a fence up to keep them from big dogs. Anywhere there is a fence, it is to protect my plants from the dogs.

Ferns got trimmed or dug up (yes, I kill sword ferns), weeds pulled, new support provided for the Comfrey in the corner (which will top 5′ tall by mid-summer), new support for the lady fern (which grows to be majestic in the summer, but fades completely in the winter, unlike the sword fern). Daphne the goose shows a lot of wear, but she’s ready to protect the lady fern from the dogs.

The Lenten roses are nearly done. The big sword fern under the mountain maple and the wild yew has been trimmed back. I cleaned the fountain rocks, although I have yet to put in the fountain and ponds (see the forms behind Daphne), and i hacked at the English ivy behind the shed (who thought introducing English ivy would be such a great idea? Haul him to the guillotine! Off with his head! Oh, he’s already long since passed. We just deal with his idiocy. I should try to move some of that ivy into the house as a houseplant…)

Yes, that is a Stegosaurus on the fountain rock. I like to think of it as The Shy Stegosaurus, a Scholastic book I still own.

My back ached, my leg muscles burned, my hands begged to be set free from the labor. My heart cried out to the God I worship. Let me spend a little more time with You!

I moved my broken bench (it’s only wrought iron!) and put the scary kids on the lattice work of it. I like the scary kids (they’ve certainly faded a lot!) – a pause here to say that I believe the God I worship has a wonderful sense of humor, and He probably likes the scary kids as much as I do. Certainly, He directed my steps when I found them for sale at the local thrift store and I rescued them.

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I planted all the plants I purchased at Gardenpalooza*, taking care to place them where they would have enough room to grow and blossom. The trellis went over my grape vine, which is only beginning to show signs of renewed life, but which will soon be out-running me efforts to contain the vines to the trellis. I can’t wait.

*violet Lochroma – planted in a container. Sweet laura – Peruvian lily – planted to the very left in this photo: grows 30″ tall and spreads 20″. Abutilon red tiger – planted out front with a mental note that it is not hardy below 35 degrees, and will need to be heavily mulched in the winter, but it grows 4-6′. And the checkered lily (already faded) in amongst my purple tulips.

By this time, I was covered in silt from head to tow. My fingernails were stained black from the holes in my gardening gloves. Prayers had been rolled out and sung in soft mutterings as some plants met their deaths and other plants were trimmed. My garden, which is more of an exercise in what works and what doesn’t, an exercise in mistakes and corrections, of error and forgiveness, of contemplation and peace – my garden began to take shape for the upcoming summer.

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As sort ogf a ;ast thing. I used all of my shepherd’s hooks to stabilize my wild black-cap raspberry bush. The green that is growing to the left is the part of the wild vine that I will cull this summer. The new shoots will be trained to the right. I fell in love with black caps when we moved to Ely, and there was a wild bush that grew on the north side of our house. One weekend, when my parents were away and I was house-sitting, our kind neighbor came and cut the black cap back. I freaked out on my mom, who went to the neighbors to explain that the vine was for me. I loved the raspberries.

They have more thorns than a Himalayan blackberry, another uninvited introduction and the bane of many a Pacific Northwest gardener, but the wild black-cap raspberry is a native plant. And so yummy.

 

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A number of years ago, I bought this fun wrought iron plant stand at a yard sale. I was in love with it and intended to use it for a bird bath. The downside to the purchase was the ugly vintage pot that came with it (I couldn’t buy the plant stand without the pot). The upside was that I stopped at another yard sale where I purchased my little secretary desk, and the woman who helped me load the desk into the back of my car fell in love with the pot. I donated the pot to her for helping me load the desk, and we both gopt what we wanted.

Later, I purchased a deep bowl at a thrift store, and – ta da! – had a bird bath. A bird bath that attracted bees and wasps to their deaths. Ugh. I tried a wire across the bath (photo with the dragon fly), but the birds and the dogs managed to knock it off all the time, and I still ended up with drowned bees, flies, and wasps. Last year, I made a little safety raft out of matchsticks, in the hopes the insects would crawl up onto it and thus save themselves. . Insects don’t understand the concept, and I continued to have dead ones in the bowl.

The problem is the slick sides of the bowl. The porcelain that makes it so desirable for human use is deadly for insects.

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I don’t have that problem in this birdbath, poured of rough concrete. If insects land in it, they can get back out of it because they can grip the concrete. (Don’t ask about the crows that dump questionable food items into it, in an effort to soften up the Kentucky Fried Chicken leg bones so they can eat the bone marrow. Or worse. Crows are like raccoons, with a desperate need to “wash” their food first, and to the detriment of any other bird needing a bath or drink).

I digress.

This year, I saw a very neat idea for creating a bee watering station, and it occurred to me that instead of a second bird bath, what I really needed was a bee watering station where the bees, wasps, and flies wouldn’t drown. Now, bees and wasps play a very important role in our eco-system, and most wasps are not akin to the common (and hot-headed) yellow jacket or bald-faced hornet. In fact, most hornets are calmer than most yellow-jackets, and only become agitated if they feel attacked (like when you step on their nest in the woods). I will go out of my way to deal with a yellow-jacket nest, but I tend to leave all other wasps, hornets, and bees alone.

We are in a bee crisis. Non-native honeybees are dying off, the native bees are threatened, and the rusty-patched bumblebee was just added to the Endangered Species Act. My yard is a veritable haven for native bees, from iridescent green sweat bees to tiny black bees to Mason bees to dozens of bumblebees, all the way to honeybees, mud-dauber wasps, and how-many-other wasps and bees I-don’t-know. Protecting them is as important to me as providing habitat for the birds that frequent our yard.

Have I ever mentioned how dead this yard was when we moved in here, the summer of 2002? Not an insect buzzed and not a bird flitted through. We began organic (for the most part) gardening, feeding the birds, and added my first birdbaths. Now, the yard is a haven for buzzing and singing.

The pictures on the Web that I found showed shallow bowls filled with clear marbles. I searched high and low at the thrift store until I found a shallow bowl that I liked (not plain white!). I already had a vase full of glass rounds and polished agates, so filling the bowl was a cinch. The frog was a bonus. When I switched out he deeper bowl, I found at least half a dozen drowned mason bees in it (already!!). My hope is to never find a drowned bee again. And I like the addition of color to my garden.

Speaking of which…

I found this funky bowl-thing-fountain at the thrift store. Somebody actually paid that $49.99 price for it. It’s freaking UGLY. I paid $6.99 to save it. I mean, a little acrylic paint, a sealer, and a couple of my assorted ceramic frogs…

And, yes, water. It’s not exactly utilitarian as a bird bath, but the bugs and birds can get a drink, and I get to enjoy the funkiness of it.

I included slugs in the title of this post, and I really intended to have more photos for that portion of the blog, but it didn’t happen. Here’s the deal: we have a slug problem. I live in the Pacific Northwest, in the rain-forest side of the state. When I was a girl, my family would come from Nevada to visit here, and my sister and I took perverse pleasure in pouring salt on slugs to watch them die. It’s awful, and really not humane. I’m older now, and I like to just cut to the chase.

I hate slugs. I loathe slugs. Non-native snails are right behind slugs on the loathe list, and neither one is loathed because of what it is, but because of the damage it does to my plants. Slugs are a special kind of pestilence in the garden, devouring irises almost as soon as they provide fresh greenery. I have tried everything. Beer in shallow dishes just provides you with a dish full of drowned slugs that you have to dispose of. Disgusting. And inefficient, because you have to 1) change the beer daily, 2) buy beer you won’t drink (which would be any IPA in my case), and 3) expensive because beer isn’t cheap.

I’ve carried a bucket of bleach water around with me and tossed slugs into that. It’s as disgusting as slugs drowned in beer. I have (and still do) practice slug tossing (ala the book “Slug Tossing” by Meg Descamp, which I read many years after I decided the only real solution to slugs is poison. But Meg is hysterical, and I love her book). But, yes, poison. Corey’s Slug and Snail Death.

You don’t want your pets or the birds to get into this stuff. So here is how I conquered that problem creatively. Use decorative ceramic planters.

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See that pot underneath the frog fairy planter? There’s a supply of Corey’s under there with plenty of access for the pestilence to get to it. I set up these “feeding stations” around my garden, even where the dogs frequent, and always close to the plants the slugs like best. Dogs can’t smell it, birds can’t get to it, and slugs crawl in and die. They die, dehydrate, and compost and I never have to deal with their slimy carcasses, and nobody innocent gets poisoned. It’s one of the very few instances where I bow to the use of poisons. It’s not 100% effective (or, rather, slugs are more prolific than worms or bunnies, so it only catches the ones I want caught, and the rest go on procreating under the deck or whereever they hide in the daytime).

I wonder how I came to have so many ceramic frogs??

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This is my dad. He promised me that he would come back as this ceramic frog. I brought him home and, suddenly, I had a plethora of little ceramic frogs to put in my garden. Coincidence? Maybe. But I wouldn’t put it past Dad.

Now – a total digression. I was going to take a photo of the chickadee watering station (aka ant moat) over the hummingbird feeder. EXCEPT that the female Anna’s was NOT moving out of the feeder. These are taken with the 50mm lens, from about four feet. Yes, she let me get that close.

That ant moat above the hummer feeder is where the chickadees, juncos, and Townsend’s warbler get water. They disdain the bigger birdbath for the ant moat.

(And, if you are wondering – yes, the ant moat works to keep ants out of the hummer feeder – so long as you keep the moat filled with water.)

I should write a book on gardening in the Pacific Northwest. Hmmmm.

 

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I am taking a few days off from my second job (art) to settle and focus. I finished a three-week-long commission (maybe it was four weeks) and shipped it off to the client on Monday, realizing at the last moment that I should probably put a note in with it. So: note to self: invest in some small cards to include with commissions and art purchases. I’m not very good at this, apparently.

Spring is in the air, although you’d never know that by the dismal temperatures we’ve been seeing – and the lack of gardening posts that I’ve put up. Don’t worry: I’ve been doing a little work around the yard. Garden posts will come soon enough. Not this weekend, however: we’re in for another round of cold and rain, rain, rain. Enough with the rain, already! It’s the wettest winter in a decade and I was tired of it a decade ago. My S.A.D.D. is in full force.

Updates: Harvey is the same. He coughs, coughs, coughs, and gags. It is not heartworm. It does not respond to antibiotics. There’s too much fluid in his lungs for a good picture (to see if there are tumors in there). His blood came back normal, although the thyroid is slightly low. That means nothing, really: he’s sick, so the thyroid is low. He’s on diuretics and takes a dose of Robitussin DM* to help with the coughing spells. (The vet was very specific on the Robitussin – anything else is dangerous to dogs. Our other dog takes Benadryl when he has an anaphylactic reaction to bee stings.) Harvey probably doesn’t have allergies – he’s 8 years old this spring.

The good news is: Harvey doesn’t realize he is so sick. He’s happy, has some energy, and his back doesn’t give out on him much (he has a narrowed spine, probably due to bad breeding – just another health issue for a rescue dog). So we’re just monitoring the coughing.

I am typing a little on my fourth rewrite of The Great American Novel (not the junk I send to NaNoWriMo). I may finish that by year’s end and attempt to self-publish. I really need to get my retirement plan in action, and that plan is to be an author and artist (which was my original dream in the 1970’s when I graduated from high school and aspired to be like John Steinbeck).

I still would like to do a lot of recycled art sculpting, but you know this all takes so much time? And I work a 40-hour/week job? And weekends are spent cleaning, shopping, and catching up? My body is slowing down, but my brain is still plowing forward at ninety  (okay, seventy) miles an hour.

I have two inspirational books open that I am slowly working through. “Becoming Myself” by Staci Eldridge (I really need to own the paperback version of this – you can’t make notes in the Kindle version!), and “Worthy: Boost your Self Worth to Grow Your Self Worth” by Nancy Levin. Don’t roll your eyes at me: some of us have money issues. I intend to deal with mine.

Am still in the 9-5 job. It’s OK. It is certainly *not* that nightmare of a job I had before, and I have lost over 15 pounds of stress weight in the last year (while I had a broken foot!). My former employer may not appreciate me posting that, but perhaps they should look into the amount of stress they put me through. Ya think? Won’t happen. Screw them.

My grandkids are growing. I need to pull the family tree together to pass on to the next generation, so they have some idea who they are. DNA testing can only go so far, especially if most of your heritage is in the British Isles. Are you aware that your British DNA can show aleles from all along the northern European coast, the Iberian peninsula, and Rome? All those pirates, Vikings, and clan wars. Rapes and pillages. My DNA is 40% West European, 30% British Isles, 13% Iberian Peninsula, 7% Irish, 6% Scandanavian, 4% Finland. The fun part comes when my ancestors migrated to the Americas. Oh, and DNA permanently squashed that idea that there is a Cherokee Princess back there somewhere. Apparently my people didn’t intermingle with anyone outside their skin color until my children’s generation.

Don’t worry – despite that apparent Aryan heritage, I still remember the “talking to” I got when I drew swastikas on my tennies in the 7th grade. I don’t know *why* I don’t know why I drew the swastikas, but I remember the lecture, vividly. My father quite nearly blew a gasket, and I feared the worst (he really never beat us, but his words could be harsh enough that you felt like he beat you). I felt like he beat me, not because he called me any names, but because he told me truths about Nazi Germany I had not learned in school. He told me how they skinned twins and made lamp shades out of their skin. He told me how they gassed people. He told me of Jews, Christians, and anyone who stood up against Fascisim.

I was summarily ashamed, and I threw those tennies out, and I have never walked that path since. I fear for those who do not understand what Fascism is. It’s not rape and pillage, but complete annihilation of other races, religions, and anyone intellectual or different. I am thankful my father blew a gasket and took the time to explain to me why.

Is that enough of “little this and little that”? I need to work on my art website and more. But right now – I just want to chill. Just for a week.

 

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88 year old Charles Fosterling was cleaning out some of his things. Maybe his wife passed away, or maybe he was getting ready to move into a retirement center or assisted living. Maybe, he was just reminiscing. He sorted through papers and old photos, and stumbled upon one of the house his parents built in 1930, when he was just a toddler.

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“I wonder if it is still standing,” he mused.

“I would like to give this photo to whoever owns this house now,” he told his daughter. She agreed to entertain his idea, and they set off to see what they could see.

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The dogs started barking out at the street, and begging to go into the house. Harvey’s tail wagged the way it does when he sees someone he wants to meet. Irritated with the pair of them, I let them in and followed them. Sure enough, there was a blue sedan parked out front, the passenger wheels on our little strip of greenway. A tall blond woman was walking up and down the street, holding a piece of paper in her hand, and staring at the house.

I went back out the back and met her by the driveway. Could I help her? I wondered if she was lost.

She held up the photograph and said, “My father is looking for the house he grew up in. He wants the owner to have this photo.” Then she added, “Would you like to meet him?”

I spent the next five minutes or so, sitting on the lawn beside the blue car, talking to Charles. His parents purchased the property from Mr. Charman, he said. They had to burn the scotch broom off the land, and they owned quite a large piece. What they owned then, is occupied by 8 homes now. They built the house and sided it with asbestos siding, which was popular in the 1930’s, and was inexpensive.

The land around was all forest, and Charman Street ended there by the house, continuing on as only a dirt track through the woods. This house was the only one up here at the time, according to his memory (the photo seems to show a house in the hack, perhaps on the next street over, as the Fosterlings owned everything over to that street. There was a maple tree out front.

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I tried to take my photo from the same angle: the living room has an addition, otherwise, the house is still a basic Cape Cod Bungalow. The front door is in the same place, but the stairs turn to the side. The asbestos shakes are gone, replaced with wide siding planks.

Charles slept in the living room, and his parents had the back bedroom, one of two bedrooms. The second bedroom was up the stairs, and they were narrow, steep stairs. At some point in remodel, the stairs were taken out and resdesigned to code, creating a “Harry Potter” closet where the old stair case was. There’s a mended spot in the softwood floor under neath my desk in the studio: that is where the chimney came through. The fireplace or wood stove was in the center of the house.

Charles spent wonderful years here, exploring the woods and roaming the fields. He was happy to see the house is still standing, and to know that the people who live here now love this house. He doesn’t get around very well anymore. I would have invited him in, but I couldn’t handle the two big dogs and he wasn’t up to trying to walk to the door. He told me that his birthday is April 9, and he was born in 1928. He’ll be 89 next Sunday.

After they left, I scribbled down some notes, trying to remember the story. Charles lived here during a time when many homes sat empty due to the Great Depression. I know the next owner was Barney Schultz, and Barney made sausages in a building out back. Barney died in 2000. When we first moved in, one of Barney’s sons dropped by and told us that much. I believe Barney built the addition to the living room and the garage.

The house was then owned by a young couple who did some major remodeling, including the kitchen, windows, bathroom, laundry, and electric. They removed the chimney and altered the stairs, and opened the loft. We purchased the house from them when they faced some life changes and had to move.

It’s a wonderful old house, a peaceful old house, a house with a lot of fond memories of the people who have lived in it. The rhododendrons out front were planted by Barney, as were the multitudes of peonies. Lots were sold off over the decades, Charman Street pushed through, and Mr. Charman passed into the local history books. Only my neighbor to the north remembers Barney now. She’ll be 89 this year as well. She bought her land from Barney.

This house has seen so much, and it’s beginning to give me its secrets.

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I owe noone an explanation when I say, “That guy gives me the creeps.” Noone, especially not female coworkers or friends. If I say, “He gives me the creeps”, fellow women should circle the wagons. Noone – especially not another woman – should say, “But he seems nice to me.” Or – “I know him, he’s O.K.” Or – “Why does he give you the creeps?”

Yet, I just experienced this very reaction from several women when I mentioned that a certain schmoozy salesman who comes into my office gives me the creeps. I don’t like him, plain and simple. I have to be professional and engage him in conversation, but I am not required to like him or to trust him, and I am fully entitled to my little red flags.

This guy bugs me. He’s schmoozy. He leans on the counter and talks like he’s my best friend. He’s even taken his wife to one of my favorite pubs in the hopes that he’d meet up with my husband and I – and he openly admitted it. I don’t want to meet him in a public place, and I don’t want him to meet my husband.

I told my husband about him, and he did not ask me why I didn’t like this guy, He just accepted it. He knows I have Very.Good.Radar. He doesn’t want anyone elbowing in on our private dates, either, especially not a schmoozy salesman. Not everyone likes schmooze.

I am baffled by the women in my office: why would they question my reaction? Why did they not circle the wagons? What is missing in their make-up that doesn’t give them creep radar or makes them unappreciative of other women’s creep radar? What dangerous situations have they never been exposed to?

I taught my kids to trust their gut instincts. Yes, you might be wrong to judge someone on your first impression, but – and that’s a huge BUT – as a woman, you’re a fool not to trust that first impression. You have that instinct for a reason. “Better to be wrong than to be raped or dead,” I told the girls. “Because then you’re really wrong.”

My gut instinct, my red-flag warning system, my first impression warning siren – whatever you want to call it – has saved me countless times. I probably don’t even know all of the times that I felt a nudge to walk another way, or I switched my keys to my right hand, or I decided not to walk a certain direction, or I took note of what cars were where and license plates. I can tell you tales of the close calls that I do know of, many of which were during my solo trip across the USA by bus.

I can also tell you about circling the wagons, drawing in and protecting each other. That’s how women should react, and how male friends should react. Don’t laugh it off. Don’t make light of it. Protect.

I had a coworker many years ago, C. She told me of this guy who happened to work in the same company, and she found out quite by accident that he was an agent there. She was scared of him. She’d had a relationship with him, a short-lived one. He was in a different office, but the time came when he walked into our office. I sent C. to another room and I handled him, helped him out, and sent him on his way.

There was another guy who liked to harass C. at the front desk. Your typical womanizer, didn’t like strong women and was always on the lookout to bully. I saw him in action, and never was a time when I let her handle him by herself. Not that she wasn’t capable (she’s fully capable and has good creep radar), but there’s strength in numbers, and she shouldn’t have to deal with that by herself. United we stand. Divided, we fail each other.

I was on a night bus to Cleveland. I was 20 years old, traveling alone, only a backpack and a few dollars to my name. I had no agenda, no particular destination. There was a man sitting near the front of the bus. I can’t tell you what it was about him that bothered me, but I had a Very.Bad.Feeling about him. And when the bus pulled into the Cleveland terminal, I wondered how I was going to avoid him? It was crowded, no one knew me, it would be so simple…

A weathered old Black woman who sat a row or two ahead of me grabbed my hand as I got off the bus. “You come to the bathroom with me. I’ll stay with you until he’s gone,” she said in a fierce whisper. That was all. Inside the restroom, she dropped pretenses of friendship or kinship. We were just two women who needed to pee. I was a very white girl and she left it at that. (I would have hugged her if I had been prone to hugging in those days – but she wasn’t having any of that, anyway. She just wanted me safe off that bus and out of his hunting eyes.)

That’s what we do, Girlfriends! Guy friends! We protect each other!

Another friend told me how, when a daughter of hers was working in an office and picked up a stalker, her office sent out a memo. Every time the stalked came in, she went on break and someone else was at the front desk. They circled the wagons.

That wouldn’t work in my office, where I am the only one there. And I’m not asking for that kind of support, because this creep is married and talks about his wife. He’s just trying to schmooze his way into my private life, meet my husband, and – theoretically – get more business from our office. I just want my coworkers and brokers to understand that it is not a joke. 

Someone says they get the creeps from someone, you take it seriously. You don’t question their creep radar, even if you think they are mistaken. Because you don’t know they are mistaken. The creep may not bother you. Their fixation is on someone else. You need to trust your friend’s intuition.

Note: this is not just for women. Men need to take note. Trust your friend’s instinct.

Trust your gut feeling. Always.

P.S. – I will be fine with this guy. He hasn’t crossed any line and if he does, he’ll find out I am not such a nice person after all. And if he does happen to show up at the same place as my husband and me, well, I will kick Hubby under the table and we will circle the wagons. I just want other women to know that it is not cool to question someone’s creep radar. Ever.

 

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I am writing this to remind myself that God does, sometimes, work miracles for our fur friends/babies/whatever you want to call our pets and farm animals. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it. I am hoping and praying for it tonight as my dog, Harvey, is very, very, lethargic and ill.

I saw God work a miracle when my little Arab/Appy horse, Whisper, inhaled a blackberry vine. The piece of vine was embedded so deep inside her nostril that the vet could not reach it and remove it. He gave me two options: we could send her to OSU Vet college, have them put her under, and cut open her face to remove the bramble. Or, we could leave it in place and worry that it would work its way further up her nostril, eventually killing her. Whisper somehow managed to sneeze the offending briar out in the next few days.

The biggest miracle that I have personally seen was the llama that died. My friend lived around the corner on a rural road. She called me in a panic: Joey, the llama, had tangled in his lead rope and managed to strangle himself. Would I come over, lay hands on him, and believe with her that Joey would live? Her kids were hysterical and the vet was forty minutes out.

I don’t even particularly like llamas. But I loaded up my kids and hurried over to my friend’s house, where I found an impossible scene: Joey’s neck was twisted in the wrong direction and he was definitely VERY still. I won’t swear that he was dead, but if he wasn’t, he was damn close. And his neck was – well, necks shouldn’t turn like that, even on a llama. He wasn’t breathing, and his eyes were glassy.

But we laid hands on him and prayed. And prayed. And suddenly, Joey inhaled. And his eyes opened up. And he turned his neck around, and we were able to get the lead off of his trachea. He was standing by the time the vet arrived, but his tongue was still quite blue. The vet didn’t quite believe he’d been out as long as my friend said he’d been out, but I don’t doubt her word: it took her time to call me, the vet, and for me to get there. Joey wasn’t breathing when I got there. The vet arrived twenty minutes after I did.

Sadly, a few weeks later, fueled by this coup, the same friend called me to come pray for a Freisian horse that was in distress at a vet clinic in Estacada. The owner had poured thousands of dollars into this horse and just couldn’t have it die. It died. I accepted that. I figured we were over-confident in OUR ability to pray things back into life, and maybe my heart wasn’t as much into the praying the horse back (because I didn’t know the owner, its history, or its intended future, but I did know that Joey was loved by four small children).

Heck, it’s the same with praying for human friends or acquaintances. Sometimes, you just *know* the prayer will be answered, and the person dies. Sometimes, you doubt the very prayer you just said, and a year later, the woman comes to find you to tell you she gave birth to a healthy baby, and thank you for praying she could conceive. It’s a mystery.

I don’t know why God chose to give Joey the llama a second chance. Or why God chose me to pray for the woman who wanted to get pregnant, but couldn’t. I only know God chose to answer those prayers.

I’m hoping God chooses to grant Harvey a longer life, and not at a huge financial expense for us. You can hate me, but there’s a limit to how much I will spend on a pet. I have ten grandchildren – finances are directed toward them, first. But – Harvey is my heart and soul tonight. I hope my readers understand. And pray/send positive thoughts for him. I need my Harvemeister.

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