Jaci Dawn

Oh for crying out loud. I prayed God would let me fast-forward to knowing all the answers but apparently He (and I’m thinking right now He must be a HE) thinks I need to go day by day, hour by hour. No fast forwarding.

I heard from the urologist today. Well, his nurse called.

1. There is a kidney stone, but it is a really tiny one and will pass by itself with no medical intervention. I am hoping that translates into “a minimal amount of pain” (having Been There/Done That and Bought the T-Shirt). If my personal doctor is to be believed, a kidney stone of that size could not possible produce the amount of blood I was seeing at the beginning of January. But my personal doctor could be wrong. He’s a GP, not a specialist.

2. There is a polyp inside my gall bladder. Say what? How weird is that? Did I need to know that? It is “probably” and “more than likely” benign. But just in case, I need to have an ultrasound to look at the gall bladder and liver. That sort of freaked me out until I did a little online research: the liver and gallbladder are close. Yo have to look at the liver in order to look at the gall bladder. I happen to know my blood work (I had a complete work up done) shows my liver is functioning just fine.

A polyp? They’re going to look at it, declare it benign and forget about it. And this is costing me how much? I’ve had polyps. I’ve had polyps removed. We will not discuss where or why or anything else: they were benign. They’re the internal skin tags. Face it, I have skin tags. And moles. A lot of moles. I hate moles.

(My youngest just got a Monroe piercing. This is a piercing through the upper lip where Marilyn Monroe had a mole. It’s very “chic” to get a Monroe piercing. And, frankly, it looks cute on Chrystal. Painful, but cute. I just don’t understand why anyone would want to pretend they have a mole. I have several on my face I’d like to give away. HAHAHA.)

Just trying to be funny, Chrystal. You look cute with your piercing.

I digress (but she does look cute).

I have not scheduled the ultrasound. That’s something I will do tomorrow.

3. The urologist wants to do one more thing before he rules out all the possible causes of hematuria (I’ll let you look that up). He wants to do a cystoscopy. I don’t even want to think about that because it requires a catheter. I’ve also BTDT and didn’t want to buy the T-Shirt. Oh joy.

Here comes some TMI (Too Much Information): he wants to scrape the inside wall of my bladder. Oooooooh. That sounds… well, thinking of adjectives and coming up dry.

(Did you know that the human mind begins losing track of nouns and other words when you turn 50? It’s a natural progression of age. To me, it’s worse than losing my car keys. I love my words. I love adjectives and nouns and descriptive phrases.)

I have no good descriptive phrases for what I imagine a cystoscopy to be like.

What I do have words for is how soon I can have this lovely procedure performed: not until April 4.

APRIL??!! You are kidding me! Are urologists really that booked up? Are Americans truly that messed up that they need to book up urologists?

I’m healthy. My blood tests came back and I have low cholesterol, I’m not anemic, my kidney & liver functions are perfect and and and… I am not in any pain.

I just happen to be bleeding and no one can figure out why. And they sure are not in any hurry, either. Well, my personal doctor was in a hurry but up here on the you-need-to-see-a-specialist level of life, everything slows down to s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n.

Well, I have too much life to live. I set the appointment (April 4). I’ll call about the ultrasound tomorrow. And then I’m going to make plans to do some fun things, some things that don’t require wondering why the doctors were all alarmed in the first place but now they seem to be lackadaisacal. If I had a teenager in the house, she would say, “WHATEVER.” And roll her big blue eyes. (Arwen was the Whatever Queen with the rolling eyes accent.)

If in doubt, fall back on the Ground Rules. Only post funny comments, please. I won’t be offended if you don’t take me seriously.

Seriously.

(PS – tell Chrystal how cute she is. She doesn’t know I just used her photo and made fun of her piercing. That was unfair of me. She’s cute. She’s pretty. My lip hurts thinking about it…)

ttfn~