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Posts Tagged ‘ADHD’

Yesterday, I turned to my husband and said, “There must be something wrong with me.” I didn’t get any further because he started laughing and said, “Um, yes – there is something wrong with you.”

Gee, thanks.

What I wanted to say was “I have so much frenetic energy. I have to be ‘doing’. I don’t know how to relax.”

(It’s OK – he took me for a lovely walk and bought me ice cream half-way through.)

But this energy. This need to be doing. I need to be achieving. Where does that come from? Why can’t I just relax on a sunny Sunday afternoon? Why do I feel like I have to be doing something?

Here’s what I was doing while I was “relaxing”:

I was spraying several coats of primer on an old real estate sign. I primed a wrought iron vintage planter holder. I plotted a Pinterest project. I never stopped thinking or doing.

It’s my father. I had to do things to earn his approval (or so I thought). Achievement meant acceptance. Approval. A report card full of A’s and B’s meant I was worth something.

I tell you this, not because that always rules my life, but sometimes it carries over into other areas, even when I think I have conquered that demon. I was working on two mini portraits for my art website (and to sell, eventually),

I had to walk away from both projects last night, because I was trying too hard to make the art work. I can’t paint like that. the art has to speak to me. It needs to flow. I knew what I wanted to happen, but it was clearly not happening. I was painting in a frenetic energy, trying to create something to meet the approval of an unseen audience.

I took photos of it at that point and walked away from it. I knew what was wrong, and I didn’t wish to feed into that energy any more. I just don’t know how to stop that demon from haunting me and driving me.

I did come back and finish those two pieces this evening. I’ll post them on my website later this week.

I shortened the cape and revealed more of the mara (that’s an animal) and I changed the color of the ribbons. She’s Mara Mapuche, an elder of the Mapuche Indian people of the Patagonia.

Maxine was a difficult portrait: my first instinct was to put her in leggings, but I decided that was *not* happening (or maybe she told me so). Fuzzy pink sweater, pill box hat, and a little bling. Office Manager of the month.

I should mention that is my job title. And Maxine is named after my husband’s paternal grandmother whom I loved dearly. Might even be a slight resemblance (God rest Maxine’s soul).

I need to work on my website. Frenetic energy is often a disguise to keep me from doing what is needed – like updating a website!!

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shrunken5

That photo has nothing to do with this post. It’s just a “shrunken head” I made a few years back (I carved the apple and let it dry, so actually, Nature “made” the shrunken head).

This weekend was an “almost perfect” May weekend, just a tad below normal, and sunny. Saturday, I took my “boy” to a new groomer because my favorite is booked through June, and my dog can’t wait that long to get his summer cut. His hair grows so long and thick – a by-product of being an English breed – that when temps start rising about 60 degrees (F), he starts suffering.

New groomer did good. He looks like a Dalmatian, but that will only last about six weeks, before his hair starts to get long again. He’s so much happier, has so much more energy, and we walked further today than we have since he developed his mystery cough. We got in a full mile before he got winded.

Today was so much nicer than yesterday, and I piddled around the garden. Frenetically. I didn’t want to weed too much, because now is the season when lawn clippings trump garden weeds in the yard debris bins. We get free yard debris recycling in the Portland, Oregon, Metro area, and we have two yard bins that get filled every week from April to July. I have to pace my weeding so as to not compete with the lawn mowing.

I cleaned all the hummingbird feeders and refilled them (4 parts boiled water + 1 part sugar, dissolved and cooled). I moved wind chimes around. I sprayed several coats of primer over an old real estate sign,

007

It took four coats per side to cover up the professional paint of the real estate sign. I’m going to paint my art logo on this to use in my art booth when I go to the next art show as Two Crow Feather Woman. Sign is 20×29″

Did I mention I was frenetically doing all this yard work and piddling? Yeah, me. The constant, on-the-go, we have to get something done, person. My husband came out and sat in the lawn chair. He did one thing. I couldn’t sit still.  I could tell he wanted me to just sit and visit, but I felt compelled to be doing something.

Is this conditioning from my childhood, when our father viewed any idle moment as a moment to put a child to work? All those hours of being “grounded” and having to weed the public area between sidewalk and street? Saturday morning chores that had to be finished before we could go play and explore?

Or is it a by-product of un-diagnosed ADHD?

I lean toward the former: I am still striving to please my father by working, working, working. “Idle hands are the devils’ workshop” and all that. I.Can’t.Relax.

I turned to my husband and said, “There must be something wrong with me. I can’t relax.”

He got as far as “something wrong with” and said, “Yes, there is.” Men!

I suggested we should go for a walk to burn off my energy.

We walked down to Dairy Queen – there’s a trail that cuts through Waterboard Park, As the crow flies – or as the trail goes – we’re only a half mile from DQ. It’s much further to drive to.

We bought ice cream and ate it there, then he suggested we take the long way back, from the bluff to Waterboard Park, and up to the top bluff. It makes sense if you live here, where the city is situated on three different planes. Waterboard Park is situated around an old pave wagon trail that long ago gave in to the landslides. The path up through the park is an old paved road that has slipped and fallen. It’s blocked to motor vehicle traffic.

Steep cliffs, tall trees. and a long hike upward. Wildflowers. My husband and I. It was glorious.

Cell phone pics from the top of the trail, the Overlook. The one on the right (with the snowy mountain on the right) is Mt. St, Helens. The other photo is of Mt. Rainier, 150 miles north. We rarely get to see Rainier this clearly.

I’m tired.

There was more, but I am leaving this here. My frenetic energy was directed at doing something. My husband needed my companionship and not the “doing” part.

I’m still fighting my inner demons of perfectionism, action, and doing to earn favor.

Baby steps.

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