Short post tonight. I ran into an old neighbor at the UPS store today. He recognized me before I knew he was even there. I was busy shipping off Easter cards to grandchildren and a shadow box to our son’s widow. The clerk was busy trying to get me the best deal and we were holding up the line.
This old neighbor called out to me. We exchanged hellos and “it’s been so long since…” greetings. Then I said, “We lost Levi in December, you know.”
“Yeah. I heard that.”
Not much more. I’m sure he felt awkward. Levi worked for him during his pre-teen years. Worked hard. Nights, cleaning and waxing floors in commercial buildings. Levi made good money under the table. It was hard work and the neighbor was a hard boss. We never encouraged Levi to complain but we knew it was hard work and thankless. It gave him something to do and a way to make money, and it taught him the value of hard work.
Still. I waited for more of an acknowledgement, but all I got was, “Tell Don, ‘Hi’.”
Tell Don “Hi”.
No, I’m sorry for your loss.
No, he was a great kid and a hard worker.
No, I knew him.
Just, “Tell Don, ‘Hi’.”
The last time I saw this person was at another funeral, probably ten years ago. I know he’s not insensitive to grief.
He just didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say. Death rips us apart. Our hearts are shredded. What can you say? Don’t ask for the details: I can’t talk about those right now, and not in a public setting. We can’t even reach out and touch hands in our Covid-19 society.
My ex-neighbor left the store. The clerk got me the best deals on shipping. I left, feeling slightly empty, like something had not been acknowledged about my son’s brief life. My son spent hours at the neighbor’s house, playing with his children. He worked hard. and I didn’t get a simple, “I am so sorry.” That’s all I wanted. An acknowledgment that my son walked this earth and touched your life. That he was real.
We have to do better when reaching out to people who are bereaved. Acknowledge the life lost. Speak a memory. Offer a hand, even in COVID times. Don’t just pass it over.
Our son mattered. He was a hero. A father. A Husband. A brother. A son. A hard worker.
I forgive you, my neighbor. I get that you felt suddenly awkward in the face of death. I hope this post spurs someone like you to speak out next time. Grief needs to be acknowledged, not brushed past.
Jaci Dawn 
I’m so sorry, Jaci. We need to do better.
It’s such a difficult situation. I always feel at a loss for words, and I know that I have sometimes just wanted to change the subject; to not stir up emotions that I cannot heal with words that might sound hollow.
I will do better.
Wishing you peace. 🙏
Yes, gotta do better. We think about you and Don a lot. Cannot imagine the grief and loss you feel. So very very sorry. And virtual hugs from 2000 miles away.