Jaci Dawn

This morning in our monthly staff meeting, the president of our company, Bert Waugh III, asked each of us to name one good thing that happened in the first six months of 2011. The question caught me off-guard.

One good thing? What raced through my mind (and set off a day of teetering on the edge) was the events of the past six months: a cancer scare that turned into a kidney stone and surgery, the loss of my nineteen-year old cousin in Wisconsin, the death of my father and the ensuing two weeks I spent in Nevada packing up his 83 years of life with my brother, the news that we have to do some imminent repairs to our house for insurance purposes, and the hassle we’re having with the bank and Dad’s Trust. Of course, good things have happened. Every one of those events spawned numerous good things.

I still have my sense of humor, for one thing. I don’t have cancer. I still have my brother.

But I’d really just like a 2011 “do-over.”

I said that I’d drawn closer to my God, and that is true. But it’s also lame and it opened me up for the rest of today’s events.

I no sooner sat down at my desk and got deeply involved in my work when the phone rang. My doctor’s number was on the caller ID. I groaned: I knew I was supposed to return his call but I was really, really busy. And it was just the results of the follow-up x-ray from the surgery to get rid of the blasted kidney stone.

But I answered it. I was in the middle of a math problem, but I figured I could listen to the good report and crunch numbers on the calculator at the same time.

Except it wasn’t all that good.

Did I just say I had drawn closer to God? Here came another wave (“This is a test” spoken in Bill Cosby’s voice):

That blasted kidney stone is smaller but it is still in my left kidney.

My doctor is embarrassed. This is not supposed to happen. I haven’t passed any stone fragments, I haven’t been bleeding, and except for the fact that I put my back out, I am not in any pain. Yeah, I put my back out. there is that.

The upshot of this is that I have to go back in for another x-ray but this time he wants it done by his technician. And then we have to decide what to do: another go at surgery? I’d best do that while I’m still feeling brave.

The downside is: I have used up my vacation time and all my sick time and I don’t even know where all the previous expenses are going to land in insurance land.

So here I was: trying to work, thinking about the mysteries of the human body and the composition of a 5mm kidney stone that is resistant to ultrasound blasting and missing my dad.

There’s more to this story. Boring details like hiring an attorney to push the Trust through probate court and needing to sign the papers in front of a Notary Public, finding an honest roofing contractor to remove the moss from our house, trying to avoid thinking about a second surgery…

AUGH.

I ended up crying all the way home after work. Stupid emotional stuff. Those of you who have walked this path of grief know from whence I speak: it hits you. They’re gone. Mom, Dad, little sister. You remember a laugh, the feel of their hands, the color of their hair. And you’re bawling.

I don’t want to be a negative whiney person. It does feel like it sometimes. But the emotion is still too raw. There have been a few too many burdens added to the load. And the pressure to name a good thing out of it all just sort of set it all off.

So here’s a list of good things:

I am thankful my employer is a positive person and is making me think about what good has come out of the last six months

I don’t have cancer. I know people who do. I have loved people who did not win that battle. I miss Ellen. Ellen was a joy to know and a good thing to have happened in my life. So were Trudi and Carolyn. I am thankful for the cancer survivors I know: Kari, Julie, Jodi, Angie (to name a few).

God is my Rock.

Harvey is my Buddy.

Summer finally arrived.

I don’t have Kaiser insurance.

I have good insurance.

I have a close circle of really good and dear friends, some in “real life”, some on the Internet, and some thousands of miles away – but all who are very real and very kind.

I got to watch Willy Wonka (with Gene Wilder) for the first time with my good friend, Mary, and her granddaughter, Joy.

And I have these guys to love:

Justin, Micah, Zephaniah, Javan and Eliran. My Grandboys.

Life is still good.