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We did a lot of driving one our first day out. We wanted to get as close to Fort Worth as possible. Our second day out included a short but sweet side trip into Fort Worth to see our cousin, Chuck, and his wife, Kathy, but especially to see Uncle “Mike”, our last standing uncle on the Wilcox side. We were treated to a little Texas style barbeque (the pulled pork was great, the sauce was ho-hum).

Uncle “Mike” is a wealth of family history and has been passing that knowledge down. Chuck printed a handful of old family photos for Terry and I and I can’t wait to return the favor with photos he requested that I might have.

The nicest La Quinta we stayed in was in Lawson, Oklahoma. I wandered down to see what was left of the breakfast (nothing). Fort Sill was hosting a graduation that day and all the young soldiers and their families had grazed through and cleaned out the area. A tiny woman in a La Quinta uniform was standing there, contemplating closing down the buffet. We struck up a conversation, mostly about young soldiers, young people, and the challenges they face today.

Miss Betty stood about four foot eight, had dark curly hair tinted with a shade of orange and bangs that curled over her forehead. She was thin, frail, spry, and sharp. She told me a story of how she once gave her last two dollars to an immigrant couple because they had a toddler with them that needed something to drink. She was so touched by their response and thankfulness. We held hands and prayed together, and the last I saw of her was her face peeking around the door to wave good-bye to me. Miss Betty.

That day we saw more wildlife. The heat index was dropping and creatures were stirring, particularly birds of prey. The country we drove across was the southern edge of The Great Dust Bowl and one could see how the dust and dry shaped the landscape. Scrubby trees were planted in an effort to hold the soil, but the land is flat, dry, and baked. We pulled off the road in Duke, OK, to look at some of the houses. A pair of locals started following us (who’d blame them: Florida plates, driving slow through a small town?) and we stopped to yak with one of them. He was a sweet old guy working for the public water system, but he didn’t have much knowledge on the older homes (except there was a rumor about a movie to be made in one of them).

Next stop was Memphis, Texas. The streets are paved in brick. Real brick, not cobblestones.

Picturesque and quiet, the county seat of Hall County. There was a bank on every corner, or at least some buildings that had been banks at one time. A quaint little spot that deserves more investigation!

Driving from Pueblo through Grand Junction was a long and difficult day for me. Memories. My husband and I drove that route one summer on our way to Colorado Springs to meet our first granddaughter. Our son took us along part of that route to see Royal Gorge. Levi haunts these places. He was just beginning to fall in love with Special Forces then and was stationed out of Fort Carson. He joined up with 10th Special Forces Group and was deployed to Iraq for a short time. He lived, loved, got divorced, remarried – all in Colorado Springs. I’m thankful we didn’t go into CS.

On to Provo and one of the worst Days Inns we stayed at. My brother booked it on a promo where it was advertised as a “new” motel. It was not new. It was not easy to locate. There were permanent residents who stared off into the distance and talked to themselves. One stayed busy rearranging rocks. Another paced the balcony after an apparent nightmare, muttering and casting out demons in the middle of the night. The bathroom was too small to turn around in and the water only heated to lukewarm. The coffee maker was missing pieces. The mattresses probably had bedbugs. We left as early as possible the next morning. Pretty certain my brother gave it a minus 5 rating.

It rained sometime during the night and the playa shimmered in mirages.

I am endlessly fascinated by mirages. There really is a mountain in the photo; there really is not a shimmering lake surrounding it. The playa is salt and alkali, alkali and salt. Emigrants to California passed to the north of these flats, camping near City of Rocks in Idaho before dropping down to the southern route through Nevada (which is alkali and brush, brush and alkali, but at least has the Humboldt River meandering across most of the state until it sinks into the ground and disappears altogether.

We decided to take a side trip out to Bonneville Flats where there really was water on the playa – and some racing even was happening. Or not – they were still deciding if there was too much water on the surface or if they could go further out and race.

Next stop was the old Wendover Army Air Base (Utah). I didn’t know this existed.

The museum was overpriced for what little it offered, but we paid anyway and wandered through the displays. I was most impressed with the history of the Enola Gay. I missed something in history classes or they simply did not teach this: the Enola Gay was housed at Wendover Army Base. Of course, we were never taught much about the history of Wendover, excepting that half of the town is locate in Utah (Mountain Time) and half of it is in Nevada (Pacific Time).

We paused in Elko, NV, to find the little house we lived in when our sister was born. It looks so tiny now: a standard white US Forest Service residence. There is a full basement underneath it: we kids had our bedroom down there. In Winnemucca, we paused to snap a photo of the haunted house we grew up in. It was an ungodly pink then, and all one residence. Now it is black (!?) and split into a duplex.

That green space between where I stood to take the photo and the house used to be an uncovered dry ditch full of milkweed and Monarch butterflies in the 1960’s. They buried it the year we moved away and I still hear the echoes of Joni Mitchell singing, “They paved paradise and put up a parking lot”. I have a rant on that strip of land and I may never forgive those who were in power who decided that Monarchs weren’t worth protecting. My 12 year old self looked into the future and knew. I’d like to subvert the city’s nice lawn and sow some milkweed seeds in that grass!

The last stop was Reno, of course. I met up with an online friend for a quick lunch on Monday, the 7th.I’ve met her before and we always seem to hit it off in person as well as online. I left the restaurant happy but tired – and decided spur of the moment to load up my car and drive home that afternoon. It was ten thirty at night when I arrived home, but I’m glad I went when I did: there was little to no traffic, even on I-5. And to top it off, when I pulled in to the gas station in Klamath Falls, I got an attendant who pumped my gas for me.

This moppet was so excited to see me that he barked and growled at me. “WHO are YOU?”

Gee, thanks, Ruger-puger. I’m your hooman mom and I missed you, too.

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106 degrees (Fahrenheit) with a “heat index” (“real feel”) of 120 degrees. That’s 41C and 48.9C. Miserable, in any world.

I love the heat. Bring it on. Ninety and up. Problem is, my body no longer regulates my temperature and heat melts me. I blame this on a heat stroke I gave myself the year we went to get our first Wirehaired Pointing Griffon from Idaho. I have never recovered. I’m also in my mid-sixties and slightly overweight.

Florida was hot. Oregon is hot right now. I am already sweating at eleven AM (Pacific Daylight).

But the trade-off in Florida was getting to see all six of our son’s children in one place, a first for me since his funeral in December of 2020. They have changed so much, yet not at all. Funny, mischievous, nerdy, righteous, smart. See my son’s gestures and facial expressions displayed in their young faces was cathartic and joyous. They are beautiful people.

Our daughter, Arwen, Kaysie, Justin, Erin, Myself. Korinne, Nolan, John, Micah, Miss V (Arwen’s “mini-me”). And only two of the five dogs.

There are also a tortoise, a monitor lizard, and (at the time of my visit): untold number of Fowler’s toads courtesy of the two younger girl cousins.

We spent part of a day at Emerald Coast Zoo (https://emeraldcoastzoo.com/). Justin and I burned out in the heat. The big hit was (as always) the parakeet cage. If you ever are in that part of Florida, you must take the kiddos!

A highlight of the day was getting to see my nephew, his partner, and their four children.

We visited Levi’s headstone and left him an offering of Key Lime Pie and a bottle of whiskey.

The rest of that day was spent “chilling” on Pensacola Beach. the water was warmer than most swimming pools, clear, and calm. The beach was not as crowded as I would have expected and everyone I observed picked up ALL their garbage when they left. All.Their.Garbage.

The coastal birds were not exactly what I was looking for, but they were quite friendly. (Okay, there were Laughing gulls and brown pelicans, but the rock dove was the one who posed for a beach photo.)

Most of our time was spent inside the house with the television on and children sprawled about.

I had four days to spend with these miscreants. Too little time. School has already started for some of them, football practice, cheer practice, music, theater, and those boring “three R’s”. Birthdays have already come and gone and time marches forward, ignorant of our losses, our joys, our pains, and our accomplishments. Time spent with family is the most precious time of all.

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I had a brilliant idea back in early March (before I knew I had breast cancer): instead of purchasing airplane tickets to fly to Florida and see all my son’s children together, I would ask my brother if he was up to a road trip. After all, his son had just moved to within two hours of our daughter-in-law and we haven’t been on a road trip together in 14 years. That road trip was to Colorado to see my son’s first born.

I don’t mind flying, but it’s very expensive right now, there have been a number of cancellations and complete mix-ups in the news, and I thought a road trip might be a little cheaper than a solo flight out (and a lot more fun). In the end, I think the road trip cost nearly as much as the flight would have but it *was* a lot more fun – and we saw a lot of the beautiful country contained within the borders of the United States.

I have been living in the State of Oregon for 46 years. No sales tax and no self-service at the gas pump. I pumped gas briefly during the winter of 1978 but someone else has done it for me since then.. This was about to change as our legislation went around the vote of the people and passed a bill allowing self service at most pumps beginning the 5th of August. I figured I had a couple weeks on the road to relearn how to pump gas on fancy “new” (to me) machines.

Also, we had five boxes of “stuff” in my attic that belonged to our son that probably needed to be delivered to his heirs, and since they were all six going to be in one spot… I could easily haul all those boxes in a rental car. Long story short, breast cancer was dealt with and the road trip was on. All I had to do was drive myself the 8+ hours to Reno and home again. And, meantime, my brother unloaded a couple of boxes of his son’s belongings to deliver to Florida as well.

I left home on the 23rd of July. That went smoothly, but getting the rental car on the morning of the 24th was a two-hour ordeal. We only made it as far as Ely, our high school home town. I haven’t been there since 2012 when we finished cleaning out our father’s estate. Ely had a stop light then. Today it doesn’t. (There’s a stop light in East Ely.)

We got serious with travel on the 25th. A short stop in Pioche, NV, to take photos.

We decided to drive through Cedar City, Utah, and down through Kanab, over the Glen Canyon bridge, and on into Flagstaff. The drive from Cedar City to Kanab is a spectacular road through winding canyons formed by sandstone and granite. The walls of the canyon are pink and white with an occasional dusting of coal deposits. Iron is mined near Cedar City. From Kanab to the Glen Canyon Dam, the road takes one over mountain passes and smooth meadows carved out by ancient glaciers. The views can be breath-taking.

We paused to watch a storm build over Arizona.

Glen Canyon is intense. The water in Lake Powell is extremely low. The architecture of both the bridge over the canyon and the dam are a marvel or engineering.

July 26th found us on the road with hopes to make it to Amarillo by evening. HaHaHa. We made it to Tumcumcari, New Mexico, in part because we had to dawdle a little in Winslow and we stopped to see The Crater (Barringer Meteorite Crater). I was not impressed with Winslow, but they do have a bronze statue of Glen Frey near “the Hitchhiker” and that’s pretty cool.

The Crater, on the other hand, is impressive. You can see where it churned up earth long before you reach the site. It was formed around 50,000 years ago, is over 4,000 feet across and over 700 feet deep. You can’t see into the crater bottom without a telescope (or a 300mm camera lens).

It was far too hot to go on a guided tour and we didn’t stay long, but I count it as a highlight of our trip.

We caught up with a storm as we hurried on toward Tucumcari: lightning lit up the sky ahead of us for miles, culminating in this:

We finally arrived in Tucumcari where I booked us a room. An old man and his dog sat outside the lobby in the shade. Charlie, the dog, wanted chin scratches, so I obliged. When I came back out from the lobby, the old man was in a very agitated state: TARANTULA! I don’t think he was amused by my reaction: I hurried to get my camera and tell my brother to get his before the spider moved on. THEN we ushered it off the sidewalk. Texas Brown Tarantula, very common.

We decided we were running short on time, so the leg on the 27th was pretty much a straight drive through to Paris with a couple side trips to drive on the original Route 66. We spent the night in Paris, TX.

The first image is actually in Tucumcari, but the hat on the “Eiffel Tower” replica is ALL Paris, Texas.

July 28 – Our date for arriving in Florida. And we did drive straight through, except for a slight detour in Vicksburg, Mississippi, to tour the area where the battle of Vicksburg happened. Vicksburg is a sobering reminder of a young Nation torn in two, brother vs. brother, nephew vs. uncle, and trenches dug within feet of the “enemy”. It was a bloody siege. The North prevailed with General U.S. Grant defeating Confederate General John C. Pemberton. The day we drove through and looked at the monuments of the different units that fought (and died), the air was close and musical with the song of cicadas. I could imagine the screams of men and horses, the boom of cannons, the smell of gunpowder, blood, and sulphur, and the fear that must have prevailed in those trenches. The battle raged for 47 days.

That was our last tourist stop on the first half of our trip. We arrived at my destination after ten PM on the 28th.

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The room is sterile. You are guided to a gurney and instructed to lay down on your back, hands over your head. There are pegs there for you to hold onto, but not because this will be painful: it is only to keep you from fidgeting. Look to the right and keep your head turned, you can see countless cupboards on the wall. A blue light comes on as the interns adjust your body to line up with the tattoos. Above, there is a skylight, except you know it is not real: the buds on the trees are out of season, the clouds don’t move, and birds don’t flit around. Also, you are in deep space and there is no sky.

The interns leave and a machine begins to whirl around you: a large disk with a square screen looms over you, then a rectangle with a screen, and last, a dull gray arm of the AI machine. It is working on you now. Healing your wounds from the inter-galactic war; healing the wounds from the inside-out so there will be no scar. OR it is working on the wiring in your body: you are an Android and have malfunctioned during the night. The latter is most likely: why else would they need your tattoos?

The machine reverses and you notice your skin looks like blue scales under the light. Perhaps it has turned blue, with scales, and you have not been warned. This repeats, slowly. Remember to breathe normally.

Then it is over. Ten minutes in, not long enough to create a story line as to why you are here in this science fiction tale. The techs return on silent feet and help you sit back up. The drive to get there takes longer than the actual radiation treatment.

Radiation is painless, for the most part. Today, I noticed a small spot of burn on my left breast where the radiation has been concentrated. It will get worse before it gets better, but it is tiny, like the cancer we are committed to destroying (we: all the staff at oncology and myself). The radiation has been concentrated on the spot where the cancer was. The only other treatment is using a prescribed lotion to keep the skin supple and healing.

I understand now why my friend, Diane, mentioned the “special” cream her other friend had to use. It’s not particularly “special” but there are a limited number of over-the-counter choices you are given to use. Unscented and manufactured without certain ingredients: a list is handed out before radiation, and they encourage you to apply it two to three times daily.

The scenario(s) in my first three paragraphs are fictionalized, of course. You are not in deep space, and you already knew it was a fake skylight: the same mural is in many exam rooms in hospitals. The interns are trained technicians. You do appear to have blue mottled skin, but that is the lighting from the machine. It’s not AI, but a complicated piece of hulking machinery that can shoot radiation precisely at a small spot inside your body, cooking and killing any stray cancer cells that may have been left behind in surgery. In my case, it is unlikely anything was left behind, but I have opted for the radiation to lower my chances of a recurrence to 4% over an 8-year period.

Today is my fifth and final round of radiation. I hop off the gurney (slight exaggeration there: I lower my aging body off. I say good-bye to the techs and exit the science fiction room. On my way past the nurse’s station to the changing rooms, I am presented with a Certificate of Completion. This is perhaps the most humorous part of this: a Gold Star for completing what I hope is my final round with breast (or any) cancer.

If you followed the story this far, congrats. And get the damn smoosh-smoosh-squash-squash done. I hate them, too.  

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Twenty-eight years ago. I remember some things clearly, but other things are muddled. For instance, I remember the fight down to Reno and where I sat on the airplane coming home from Reno. I remember my father, my brother, my mother, and the hospital, but I don’t recall much of my brother’s family (or the fact that I stayed with them and slept in the living room – that’s all a blur). I remember where I was when we got the call, and much of what we did over the ensuing two days. Father’s Day, the 18th, was a road trip for three of us.

I flew down in an MD-83, if I recall correctly. The series of airplanes had been grounded for several months following a deadly airline crash that had been determined to be a fault in the plane itself. They had only recently started allowing the model to fly again. I figured I was in a safest airplane around since it had been thoroughly worked over, right? I remember I sat in the tail section going down and coming home; coming home I didn’t even have a window, only the roar of the engine in my ear.

I don’t remember when I arrived in Reno or much of what happened that first night, was it Thursday or Friday? I don’t recall. My brother might: the events of Saturday the 17th impacted him as hard as it did me. We lost our best friend and family advocate that horrid Saturday.

Mom was hospitalized due to yet another round on pneumonia and the impacts of the disease on her weakened lungs. Mom had emphysema (they call it COPD nowadays). I don’t know how many times she had been hospitalized in the past because our parents were very good at concealing things from us kids. Sickness was only one of the many things they hid from us and we had to find out from other sources that something huge had happened, like our sister’s pregnancies.

I remember how she looked, lying in that hospital bed, tubes in her nose and oxygen doing the breathing for her. Morphine made it hard for her to pay attention to anything or respond to us. She pulled at the tubes in her nose, irritated. She held my hand for a moment.

There’s a moment in your life when you have to make a decision you don’t want to make. The nurses pulled me aside, the last of the family members to arrive (my sister couldn’t be there: she was pregnant and I didn’t know she was pregnant until then). Did I agree with my brother and father to take my mother – my best friend – off of oxygen and all other life support? My heart screamed, “NO!” but my mind knew what Mom wanted.

Dad said he couldn’t do the “death watch” – he’d done it too many times before in his life and Mom was the love of his life. We were going to go out for lunch, away from the hospital. I held Mom’s hand and spoke to her, telling her that I didn’t want to let her go or lose her, but – in the end – “you will do what you want to do”. I knew the Scots’ blood in her would stubbornly go down the road she wanted no matter what the rest of us felt.

We were looking at some “art” car on the street when we got the call. Mom had made her decision. In the elevator, Dad seemed shrunken and old. He pounded his fists on the wall. My brother entered the room first and gently closed Mom’s eyes before Dad or I could see her. Not that she was there. A shell was there, a fragile casing that once held my mother. I had the strange feeling that she was still in the room, in another, happier, dimension. Somewhere we couldn’t see into, but which existed parallel to us.

That night we sat in Dad’s motel room doing – what? I don’t remember. What I do recall is my brother was on call with the Washoe County Sheriff’s Department and he got an emergency call. How Dad and I managed to tag along, I don’t know. Terry had to hitch up the trailer with the flood lights and we headed north on SR-447 in the dark. A trucker hauling cardboard for recycling had rolled on a corner north of Gerlach.

Once, on the loneliest stretch (and that is a lonely highway), Terry briefly turned on lights and sirens for us. We made jokes. Dad asked Terry about the afterlife. It snowed. Dad and I pretended we were undercover cops and “real bad honchos” while we stayed out of the way. We felt sadness, too: it was a fatality and the trucker had family somewhere in Texas.

Father’s Day. We loaded up in Dad’s Buick and took a road trip. Terry and I argued about the wildflowers we saw along the way. We stopped in Portolla, California, at a family friend’s house. Dad wanted to speak to them alone: old friends from our early childhood, and a mortician by trade, Dad needed reassurance and advice on how to go forward. From there, we circled over to Donner Lake. Parked about the azure lake, One of them asked, “What is that blue out there?” Eager to prove myself an expert in wildflowers, I peered out the window.

“I don’t see anything blue,” I complained.

“I think it’s called ‘Donner Lake'” one of them dead-panned. This is how my family pranks each other.

We laughed most of the day. I was the butt of more jokes, but that is the only one I remember. It was a jab at the fact I live in a state with plenty of water and they lived in Nevada – and I am no expert in wildflowers. We ate somewhere in Truckee, California. Mom would have loved the day: all the expensive little shops to wander through and browse. It was bittersweet, full of laughter, and one of my favorite memories of family.

*Photo of Mom with a lampshade on her head. 1952

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I wish my son was here for me to tell. He would get a kick out of my first tattoo even though it is really not impressive. I have four tiny dots (about the size of a . ) on my torso tattooed with India ink. They are there so when I go in for radiation treatment, the radiologist will know where to point the lasers.

Backing up. I do have to have five days of radiation even though I am technically “cured” of breast cancer. The radiation is to ensure that no stray cancer cells were left behind (“leave no cell behind!”) and reduce my chances of ever having a tumor again. I’m cool with that. I am thrilled that I won’t have to endure chemotherapy. Radiation is just a road bump.

Last week, I met with the radiology oncologist who explained everything to me and gave me my options (I had three). Given the small size of the cancer, I chose the least invasive radiation plan which is streaming the radiation only on the site where the cancer was. No whole breast radiation, and not three weeks of it. I consented to the tattoos.

Today, I went in for a “sim” test on the CT Scan (Sim=simulation). They need to figure out the best position for the cancer patient to be in to maximize the radiation and to protect the heart and lungs. Radiation is good for you, but it is also very bad for you. Fortunately, my cancer was on the left side and that already helps protect the heart. I imagined this process would take some time as the tech figured out the best position for me to lie in and I also expected that position to be a bit uncomfortable. It was neither.

The first position worked, and it was not an uncomfortable one. I may get a bit of a neck cramp at the end of the first radiation treatment. I think the process took ten minutes, including the placement of the tattoos. Those dots will never be as fancy as my son’s tattoos or those of my beloved daughter-in-love, but at least I can brag that I have them. Can’t show you them (probably can’t even find them), but… I have them.

This short process was followed up by a consult with one of the radiology nurses who schooled me in how this is all going to work: side effects (minimal), checking in, consult with the radiology oncologist part way through, skin care, where to go, and so on.

It got dicey then. I had to fill out this form dealing with my emotions and mental outlook (I swear it is really good!) and under one heading was the question: “Are you dealing with the loss of a loved one?”

UM. YES. And then I had to tell my story to an incredibly empathetic radiology nurse who kept asking sympathetic questions and crying. To say it ripped my heart to shreds is to put it very mildly. I kept trying to tell her that going through cancer was nothing… but hitting that wall of loss still echoes in my heart. She hugged me when I left the office, but I sat in the car afterward and tried to collect myself. I came home and just sat in the garden, trying not to feel anything.

I really don’t want anyone’s sympathy. But- BOOM! – a stranger asks and then loses it over the tragedy of MY life. I don’t want to minimize my hurt by saying, “Others have it much harder” BUT … my life isn’t tragic. There have been tragedies and I may never fully recover from them. I will say my son’s name every day (and my sister’s, and my mother’s, and my father’s, but especially my son’s name). I am not who I was 2.5 years ago. The world shifted.

Even so, I wanted to write about my cancer journey with humor and funny anecdotes. It isn’t the end of the world. Even if it was a more severe cancer, it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me. This is just an obstacle in the road.

After all this is over, maybe I will get a real tattoo. Something that speaks of joy and living life to the fullest in honor of my son.

I thought the worst of today would be figuring out my position on a hard table with half my clothes off in a room of strangers, but that’s pretty darn minor. The hardest was trying not to lose it in front of an Empath who truly understood my pain. The hardest was reliving those frantic hours between December 10 and December 12, 2020. But I got my first tattoo.

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I had my post-op appointment today and it went screamingly well – except for a couple bumps. I write this because so many women have no clue what they are getting into when it comes to breast cancer (I am one). The general stuff is thrown out there, but there’s the up close and personal stuff that doesn’t seem to be talked about.

#1. They don’t even talk about radiation treatment until 4-5 weeks AFTER the surgery. I jumped on that one, in part because I received a strange phone message from the “body oncologist’s assistant” asking when did I start the letrozole (femarole)(estrogen blocker). I hadn’t started it because it states I should *not* start it until after radiation. I tried calling back but she didn’t return my call and I (wrongly) assumed I wouldn’t have radiation. I will bring that up to the body oncologist when I see him in two weeks. Follow up is important.

#2. I won’t know how much radiation or how long until I meet the radiologist next week on the first of June. I did tell my oncologist surgeon that as long as it doesn’t interfere with my road trip in late July to see my grandchildren, I’m pretty cool with whatever happens. She gave me a very long and heartfelt hug over the loss of our son two+ years ago and the fact I haven’t seen all these kids together since then. It’s an important road trip.

#3. I got my results today. The cancer was 1.5cm, which is about the size of a dime, not the .8cm they thought it was. Still in the Stage 1 zone, and they got it all. I am, for all purposes, “cured”. Radiation is a second layer of protection to prevent further development as is the hormone blocker I will be on for the next five years. I remain among the very lucky.

I don’t know how this will affect my other summer plans. I may have to change things up a bit but I won’t know until next week. Radiation could be one week or it could take several weeks. I have plans the first week of July as well as the last week, but I will sacrifice that first week if I have to (sorry to my friend with whom I have made plans) BUT I may not have to. It’s all a waiting game.

#4 No one tells you how much of a waiting game cancer is.

I am healing well. In a week, I will be able to lift 5#+. That means gardening, building that retainer wall, and hauling things to the thrift store in order to declutter. BUT I don’t have an inkling as to how radiation will affect those plans. Square one: wait and see.

In summary: don’t jump the gun and don’t expect the worst. So far, it has all been the best possible outcomes (aside from actually having cancer in the first place) but I have been jumping the gun much too often. Breathe, Jaci, breathe. Patience.

What I DO know and celebrate is this: NO CHEMOTHERAPY. And that is a huge bonus.

On a side note, while I was at the oncologist’s office setting up appointments today, we fell into a discussion on perfumes. I won’t bore you with how we got to that conversation, but I feel it is important to note the context. I don’t wear perfume most of the time. When I do, I wear very little: you would have to be intimate with me to smell what I do wear. I do this because I have been in and out of doctor’s and dermatologist offices: people have serious reactions to perfumes, including anaphylactic seizures. Deodorants, hair spray, shampoo, and perfume can all be triggers. I know the people on the allergic side of this equation. We (the scheduler, the assistant nurse, and myself) all agreed this is a huge issue and it is ignored by so many people in the public sector.

I once worked for an employer who came straight to work from the shower, doused in after-shave, body wash, and cologne. I’m not allergic, but he reeked of a sweet perfume. TOO MUCH. You are not supposed to be able to smell yourself. Perfume or cologne should be sprayed into the air and you wave your arm/write under the descending droplets, capturing just a hint of the scent. That’s it. No more. And use unscented deodorant, please. It’s important to the person next to you.

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I am almost a week out post-surgery. There isn’t anything to write about as my memory begins to fade and events become jumbled together. The recovery is worse than the surgery. Waiting is worse than surgery. Surgery is sometimes all about waiting.

The highlights of the event include needles, blue dye contrast, bruising, and a little swelling. And waiting.

The odd thing about waiting is that once things start happening, they happen in a whirlwind of motion until – abruptly – it is all over. You get sent home for another round of waiting: waiting for the pathology report and waiting for the three week recovery time to get past so you can lift five pounds again.

This has all been a pain in the behinder for me. I hate waiting. I hate waiting in waiting rooms, on hospital beds, and on time to pass. I am a useless appendage when I can’t be up and doing things – and I *want* to be doing some things. Certain things. Things like pulling the weeds out of my flower beds before they reach three feet in height, bloom, and go to seed. Things like planting more flowers in my garden beds. Going to the grocery store alone! Doing anything but light duty.

It has been unseasonably hot for this area. One day, it was ten degrees below normal and raining. The next day – BOOM! – it’s in the nineties (Fahrenheit) and the ground is turning to hard clay before your eyes. I love me some hot summer days, but not days when I can’t haul hoses or watering cans (five pounds!) around to water thirsty plants. I also like to become acclimatized to sudden death summer. (And it isn’t even summer!)

So I am waiting. Sitting in a lounge chair, sipping water or beer and doing nothing except watching weeds grow faster than the flowers and unable to do anything about it.

WHINE.

I know, I know: you feel this deep empathy for me, a great sorrow at my plight. I appreciate that. Once I post this, I will get back to that lounging and wining (er- whining) and you can feel even more deep sympathy for me. Poor Jaci.

Enough of that. There was a little tracker injected into my breast last Wednesday. Needles. The tracker helped the surgeon find the lump and was removed with the lump. That was two needles: one for the lidocaine and one for the tracker. Thursday, the blue dye contrast was injected into my breast. No lidocaine but two hurts: the initial poke followed by the sting of the dye. Needles.

After surgery, my pee turned Smurf blue. My breast was Smurf blue (except where it was bruised violet-blue). The blue lasted around eight hours. The bruise is still violet-blue, but now has tinges of yellow along the edges. The colors are all very brilliant and spring-like.

That’s it. We’re still waiting on pathology (which will determine if there is more to this story or not) but in the meantime… I’m going to go sit in the shade, read a book, and watch my peonies bloom. It’s my waiting game. I know you feel sorry for me. 😊

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We have had an unseasonably cold April. And a lot of rain. Last year, April was dry, so – you get what you get in the Pacific Northwest. But it is screwing with my gardening.

I lost several bushes over the winter. That makes me sad. My French lavender bit the dust, the curry plant is hanging on by a thread, and my purple wallflower is half alive. I lost some transplants as well, but I haven’t looked at my plots for the garden to know exactly which plants died. I can only tell by the remnants of the plant they were and go, “SIGH.”

It has been difficult to get ahead of the grass and weeds due to the cold rains. However, I have but one flower bed left to dig the grass out of as of tonight. The grass is a foot tall, but I’ve conquered all the other beds so far – so good. Have I ever mentioned how much I despise grass? I’m certain I have. I could replace lawn with wildflowers and ground cover if it weren’t such a daunting project on a 100×100’ lot.

I skipped the big Garden Palooza on the first of April: too soon, too rainy, and so much cancer information going on in my brain. We did, however, make the Clackamas County Spring Garden Fair this past weekend. I only found two pots of anything I wanted but my husband found starts for his tomatoes and peppers. We still need to do a Portland Nursery trip, but I think we’ll skip the annual drive south to Corvallis and assorted nurseries this year. Inflation and health concerns (actually, medical bills concerns).

That doesn’t mean I haven’t been busy! I moved three columbines (Aquilegia) to new locations. They were blocking out my poached egg plants (Limnanthes Douglasii). Last fall, I also moved some of my geraniums and coral bells (huecheras) (those are coming along nicely in their new locations). I still need to thin out the geraniums and huecheras in the front!

Friday there was a post on a local garden group on Facebook for free plants. I scored pink phlox, purple monkshood, and two toad lilies (one of which I gave to a friend). Saturday, I purchased two small pots of bunchberries (Cornus canadensis). Today, I planted most of them in the shade border along the fence. The monkshood prefers full sun and will go into a planter that I can move around out front (it’s toxic, so can’t be where the dog can get to it).

The paper wasps are back and setting up home in the little blue ceramic house they have lived in for the past five years. The native ground nesting bees, wasps, and hover flies have all hatched. Mason bees have hatched and laid eggs. The darling six year old next door tried to give us a humongous slug today (we politely declined).

The crows are nesting in the fir tree immediately adjacent to our property and are quite demanding of peanuts and other treats now that the eggs have hatched. A pair of Bewick’s wrens have nested in the wood pile (they once nested in the garage – not a great idea!). A pair of Dark-eyed Juncos have chosen to nest on the ground amongst the grape hyacinth and peonies that are in the fenced off portion of the flower garden (where the dog can’t reach them). Those have hatched as well. The Lesser goldfinches are nesting nearby somewhere and eating me out of thistle seed.

We missed the arrival of the Turkey Vultures due to the inclement weather (normally around March 15), but the bald eagles have not disappointed us.

Bald eagles. Daily. Three or four. Daily. I remember when we drove them close to extinction. I am 66 and that was 55 years ago. I have never seen them like I am seeing them now, five decades since we sprayed DDT to kill mosquitoes on every road, every stream, every town, every suburb, and every child. I am one of those children.

The DDT truck would come through our neighborhood, and we would run out into the street to follow in the fog of pesticides silently screaming “Hallelujah” as mosquitoes died on our freshly coated skin. We’d beg off from baths and showers in the hopes that the residual poison would continue to protect us for days to come. Meanwhile, we killed fish and fish-eating birds – some to near extinction. 56 years later, we get to see bald eagles soar overhead, a symbol of recovery and survival.I should have had cancer ages ago.

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This is not That. Whatever your experience with breast cancer (or any other deadly cancer) this is not that.

I have been trying to make fun of this entire experience, but I’m coming up short when people give me That Look that says they feel terribly sorry that I am even going through this. Please, please, please, don’t look at me like that. In the memory of all the friends we have lost to cancer, don’t look at me like that. I don’t have the kind of cancer that is going to kill me in five years or less.

I started writing about it because this is novel to me, having a firm diagnosis on something. The irony of making the appointment and having the procedure done is not lost on me: I abhor mammograms. I don’t particularly believe in them. And after decades of having something “off” in my body but no one can figure out what it is, suddenly I have something “off” and everyone freaks out. (Maybe not everyone.) There was the mystery of the bleeding kidney (unsolved) and the mystery of the sudden blood clot in my left leg (also unsolved). Tests, C-T scans, biopsies, stress tests, and so on – all with no results.

Indeed, the MRI I recently had reported NO anomalies. The cancer in my left breast is undetectable by MRI, only by mammogram. The irony.

I am basically healthy, aside from year-long “seasonal” allergies and the Covid weight gain of 25#.

Reading the test results and discovering that a carcinoma was growing inside my body was more of a surprise and an immediate feeling of, “OH. BOTHER” than it was terrifying. I mean, seriously, OH. BOTHER.

I won’t lie: the novelty has lost some of its shine as I have gone to appointments and had procedures done. The oncology staff puts on a great show of cheerfulness but underneath their smiles runs a current of “I’m so sorry you are having to go through this” sympathy. My pharmacist looked at the prescriptions I had to fill for my post-operative care and suddenly turned empathetic and sad. “When is the surgery?”

This is not Stage 4. This is not metastatic. This is not Stage 3 or even Stage 2.  This is the simplest form of Stage 1 breast cancer. There is nothing in my history to suggest otherwise and nothing in my blood work to indicate otherwise. They aren’t even talking about chemotherapy (thank the good Lord!).

This is more of a “Whew! Dodged that old bullet, didn’t I?” cancer. More of a “When can we get done with surgery and recovery so I can go back to gardening because this is the month of May” kind of cancer. This is an Oh. Bother. Cancer.

We have a Game Plan. By “we” I mean this sudden influx of extremely compassionate staff and oncologists who are now in charge of my upcoming and ongoing care.

May 10 – ultrasound with contrast to see which lymph node the milk ducts feed into. This is “new”: they used to remove all the lymph nodes in the affected armpit but they discovered milk ducts (where breast cancer usually starts) only feed into one lymph node.

May 11 – lumpectomy to remove a carcinoma that is scarcely 3/8” (0.8cm). See attached photo. I get to go home the same day.

I will be under long term care as any cancer survivor will attest to. This is something I did not know I would have to go through. It’s more of an “Oh, Bother.” Five years of hormone blocking therapy. Yay. What little estrogen my post-menopausal body still produces will be entirely cut off.

Under good news: there will most likely be no radiation treatment and definitely no chemotherapy unless this go completely sideways on Thursday and the tumor is larger than they could see in the mammogram (highly unlikely since the MRI couldn’t see it at all).

Under bad news: no estrogen for five years. More hot flashes (not a bad thing in my world of being constantly cold). Most likely a full beard within a week of therapy (I already have to deal with whiskers every four or five days, so – yay). Twice a year visits to an oncologist to track my progress. Twice a year mammograms (!!) for the foreseeable future.* No magical weight loss due to chemo or radiation (DARN!).

*This, boys and girls, is why we go to have a mammogram done once a year or so – to avoid the bi-yearly squash by highly trained sadists.

To summarize: I am not scared, worried, fearful, or otherwise emotionally attached to the upcoming surgery and procedures. I just want it over. And I don’t want your sympathy. (I’m merely writing about it for the laughs.)

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